


No One Knows Me Quite Like You

by SilverOpals394



Category: Dreamer Trilogy - Maggie Stiefvater, Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Call Down the Hawk Spoilers, Complete, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:08:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 25,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22012351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverOpals394/pseuds/SilverOpals394
Summary: Ronan Lynch was no stranger to loss. It was there with him every damn day. But he'd never felt loss quite like this.
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 202
Kudos: 154





	1. Chapter 1

Everything happening in this moment felt so... _familiar_. It shouldn't. He'd certainly never been in this precise moment before, though being surrounded by Moderators, wielding a sword was something he'd had recent experience with. But this moment was different because Adam was there. His Adam. Beautiful and terrifying.

No, it felt familiar because it felt like everything was coming to a head. And that had happened before, as he was uselessly being unmade in the front seat of the BMW. Gansey had died but they brought him back. Cabeswater had sacrificed itself for him. Cabeswater was dead. But now Lindenmere was very much alive. And it was listening.

"We want the Greywaren," a loud voice rang into the night. The negotiator.

"No," a voice said softly. Adam's.

"Give us the Greywaren and we'll leave."

Beside him, Hennessy's eyes flicked to his face then back to her own sword.

"We've already agreed to stop our work concerning the Zeds."

"Killing innocents, you mean!" Jordan's voice.

The negotiator did not flinch. His cool eyes stared blankly. "We acknowledge that Zeds are not a threat. But the Greywaren is. Hand him over and we can all leave in peace."

Hennessy scoffed. Ronan started to say something but then he saw Adam slinking away from the crowd.

*****

"Lindenmere," Adam spoke loudly, confidently as heads turned to look at him. "Keep him safe. _Please_." His voice hitched. He crouched, reaching for the roots of a nearby tree. _I will be your hands. I will be your eyes_. But those were not the words he spoke to the ancient forest this time. They wouldn't be enough.

"Take what you need. Whatever you need. Just keep him safe." Adam had turned his gaze to Ronan's then. _Just keep him safe._

A low rustling filled the air. _We hear you, Magician. We listen to your heart's desires. We will protect the Greywaren_.

Adam's shoulders slumped in relief but he knew it wasn't over. What he was asking for would take a sacrifice. And he hadn't even offered anything specific. Stupid. But what could he offer? He didn't know what the forest needed so he'd offered to give it whatever that was. And now he was about to find out.

The clearing was suddenly filled with a brilliant light. Adam closed his eyes and then suddenly it was gone. Everything was gone. Blinking away dots of light that were burned into his retinas, he tried to see anything in front of him but failed. It was so dark.

"Adam?"

_Ronan._

"Here," he called out, still blinking.

And then Ronan was there, throwing his sword to the ground. He reached for Adam, pulling him close. Adam leaned into his touch, wrapping his arms around Ronan's shoulders, tucking his face into his neck.

Ronan pulled back. "What did you do?"

"I... I'm not entirely sure."

The sound of rustling leaves slipped into his deaf ear. _We have protected the Greywaren. He will be safe_. But at what cost?

 _We require a sacrifice_. Adam pulled Ronan in for a kiss, maybe his last.

"I'm ready."

_We have decided. To save the Greywaren, the Magician sacrifices all memory of him, from this day until the Greywaren's heart stops beating._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. I'm not sure how many chapters this will end up with but I have a definite ending planned! It'll just hurt to get there, sorry.


	2. Chapter 2

Adam blinked slowly into consciousness and his eyes found the view of the roof of a car. He was stretched across the back seat with no memory of how he'd gotten there. He stole a glance into the front and saw a guy with a shaved head in the driver's seat, eyes burning. He was handsome, in a dangerous sort of way. Adam fought the urge to bolt from the moving vehicle. It'd do him no good to risk being injured before he even knew where he was or why a couple of strangers were taking him God knows where. He tried to remember what he'd been doing before he'd woken up here, but it was useless. The last thing he could remember was packing his things to leave school for break, planning to make the drive back to Henrietta. Where had he even been going? Not to the trailer, that's for sure. He vaguely remembered that Gansey, Blue, and Henry were somewhere on the other side of the country, so what else could possibly have made him want to go back to Virginia? But as he peeked out the window he could tell that was where he was. The trees were familiar.

Low voices hummed into his good ear, though he wasn't able to catch everything being said.

_When they land..._

_Sargent said..._

Were they talking about Blue? He tried to recall her ever mentioning any male relatives but fell short. A swift look to the passenger seat revealed a young man with dark curls. His face was like the other boy's but the expressions they wore were vastly different. This face was a mask, but Adam couldn't tell what it was hiding. When he looked at it he thought of Aglionby. Had he gone to school with him?

The boy with the curls peered over his shoulder and caught Adam's eye.

"Parrish," he said cautiously. The driver turned his head sharply and his icy eyes were all fire.

"Eyes on the road. I've got this," said the other as he twisted in his seat to look at Adam again.

"Parrish," he repeated. How did this guy know him? "How are you feeling?"

_How was he feeling? Like he was being abducted after possibly sustaining a major head injury, thanks for asking._

"Where are you taking me?" he replied, ignoring the question.

"The hospital. We..." he flicked a gaze to the driver. "We found you on the side of the road."

Something about this didn't sit right with Adam but he didn't remember enough to argue.

"Who are you?" Somehow he didn't think these two were just random Good Samaritans. And the one talking to him did look vaguely familiar.

"Declan Lynch. Does that name mean anything to you?"

Sort of. In an unimportant way.

"I don't know."

The driver's hands pressed into the wheel like he wanted to rip it from the steering column. Adam wanted to reach for him, to calm him, but couldn't understand why. He didn't even know him.

"We went to Aglionby together. I was a year ahead of you," Declan said. Adam nodded. That seemed right. Still, he didn't trust him. "This is my brother, Ronan. Do you... do you remember him?"

"No," he said, "should I?"

Ronan kept his eyes glued to the road, pressing on the accelerator.

"I suppose not," Declan said, sounding somewhat defeated but offering no explanation.

Silence filled the car for a moment. Then another.

"So you just happened to find me on the side of the road, what, passed out? Why not call an ambulance?" In truth, though, he was glad they hadn't. He didn't need to add that bill to his draining bank account.

"You weren't passed out yet, just a little out of it, like you didn't remember where you were or how you got there. You insisted you were okay but we offered you a ride and then you passed out after we got back on the road."

Adam could tell that Declan was lying about some part of this, if not the whole thing. Ronan's nostrils flared in anger. He jerked the car and Mountain View Medical Center appeared around the corner. Apparently he _was_ back in Henrietta. But why the hell would he ever come back here willingly? There was nothing, no one here for him. He may not remember much at the moment, but that was one thing he knew for damn sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who has read so far! Hopefully I've fixed the issue with the chapters as this fic is definitely not complete. This is my first time posting on AO3 so if anyone has any tips, let me know!


	3. Chapter 3

Richard Campbell Gansey III had thought that the worst of times were behind him, but the look he saw on Ronan's face when he turned the corner into the hospital waiting room nearly killed him for the third time. It wasn't the look he'd had when his father was murdered, or when his mother was unmade, but it was worse, somehow. Quieter. Defeated. _God_. Would this boy ever stop losing the people he loved?

Declan had filled him in over the phone, briefly. It was dire, certainly, but Gansey felt there was no reason to give up all hope, not yet. They needed to assess and research the situation first. Get help from Blue's family. It wasn't the absolute end of the world, Adam wasn't dead. And Ronan was safe, it seemed. That counted for something. It had to. 

Gansey made his way over to Ronan and sat with him. Declan was nowhere to be seen. Ronan was alone. He didn't say anything but his hands loosened their grip on the chair's armrests a fraction. His eyes remained fixed on the floor.

"Ronan?"

He let out a small grunt in reply.

"Ronan, is there anything we can do for you right now? Get you some coffee?"

"No."

"Well I could use some," Henry said. "Come on, Wendybird, let's go see if we can find anything decent around here." He started to pull Blue away but not before Gansey could see the hesitant look on her face. She placed a careful hand on Ronan's shoulder.

"I called my mom in the car. Calla said she wants to see him... touch him. She'll understand a lot more that way. So they're ready whenever... whenever that can be arranged. They're going to help however they can. They really care about Adam. And you."

Ronan gave her a stiff nod. Blue turned back to Henry and they made their way out of the room, giving Ronan the space he needed right now.

A helpless sort of silence fell before Ronan finally spoke.

"Tell me what to do, Gansey."

Jesus. The last time he'd heard those words from Ronan were seared into his brain and the way his eyes stared ahead was achingly familiar.

"How is he? Have the doctors said anything?"

"He's sleeping now and they won't let me see him while he's unconscious because they say I'm not family," Ronan growled, though there was no venom. "I _am_ his fucking family, more than anyone else."

Gansey draped an arm around his friend's—no, his _brother's_ shoulder. "I know that, Ronan. I know."

"And he doesn't fucking know me so I can't be in there with him while he's awake either. I can't... I can't stand the way he looked at me. I have to fix this. You have to help me. I can't... I can't..." Ronan broke off into a quiet sob. Gansey leaned his forehead into Ronan's shoulder and lightly patted his back.

"We'll figure something out. We aren't going anywhere. There has to be some way to—I'll call Malory, maybe he knows something about the ley line that could be useful."

Ronan scoffed.

"Look, Ronan, I don't know how to fix this right now. But we have resources. We'll use them. No one is going to give up on this until we figure it out, okay?"

"Fix it, Gansey. You have to. I need him." Ronan's eyes were an ocean of pain. Gansey nodded.

He was reminded suddenly of a day they'd all spent together before their trip started, before Adam had left for Harvard. They'd packed a lunch and gone into the woods for old time's sake. It was no Cabeswater but there had been something magical about it anyway. At some point the group had separated, Adam and Ronan going one way, Gansey, Blue, and Henry another. When Gansey had found his two friends again, they hadn't noticed him and he stood silently, debating between making his presence known and not interrupting the quiet moment alone they had found.

Ronan was sitting leaned up against a tree and Adam was curled into his side, fingers of one hand laced with Ronan's. They didn't speak but their intense stares into one another's eyes were at once so very loud and so very intimate. Gansey had looked away then, not wanting to intrude on this private moment. As he carefully began to back away without notice, he overheard Adam sigh.

"What?" Ronan had asked.

"Just thinking about how much I'll miss this."

"Yeah, me too."

"But we'll have breaks. And you can come visit me whenever you can. Whenever you want to."

"Don't tempt me, Parrish. I think you underestimate how often I'd want to. Have to make sure you don't forget about me when you're surrounded by nerds like you."

"Oh, Ronan. I could never forget you. You're too much of an asshole for anyone to forget," Adam said chuckling.

"Shithead."

Gansey continued to back away silently as the sound of increasingly heated kissing filled his ears. Christ, what these two considered flirting. It was obnoxious.

He was pulled from his thoughts when Ronan let out another strangled sob. He knew then with even more certainty that he would do anything in his power to take away Ronan's pain, to bring Adam back to him. There had to be a way.


	4. Chapter 4

On a normal night, 300 Fox Way was filled with sound and a happy kind of chaos that comes with that many personalities under one roof. But tonight it was quiet. Adam sat on the sofa, half-listening to the conversation going on between Gansey and Maura. They were going over what the doctors had said, something about him having another episode like the one he'd had a couple of years ago at the Gansey mansion. Transient Global Amnesia. Adam had tried to tell them that this didn't feel the same, not at all, but no one had really listened to him. This had pissed him off before, but now all he felt was _tired_. Tired of being poked and prodded, tired of not getting the answers he wanted, tired of feeling… chained. Being back in Henrietta was bringing up things he didn't want to think about anymore. He closed his eyes. 

*****

Gansey watched his friend give in to his exhaustion and slip slowly into unconsciousness. With a knowing look to Maura, he whispered, "I think we can get Calla now." He hated the thought of doing anything without Adam's permission, but he also didn't want Calla to say something cryptic about what she saw and piss off Adam even more than he already was.

As Maura tiptoed up the stairs, he stared helplessly at his sleeping friend. He'd been, understandably, in a pretty bad mood when they'd arrived at the hospital and Gansey didn't want anyone to do or say anything to push him over the edge. Of course, he was probably going to do that anyway. This Adam wasn’t exactly the same as the old Adam, the one he’d fought with on many occasions, but he was also noticeably different from the Adam who had spent the last year with Ronan. Gansey tried not to think about what that meant for Adam. For Ronan.

Calla gave him a pointed look as she entered the room. She made her way over to Adam and carefully placed a hand on his arm, gentle enough not to wake him. She closed her eyes.

When she opened them again, she looked at Gansey. “Call the snake.”

*****

Everyone gathered in the reading room and left Adam sleeping on the couch. Ronan’s eyes were bloodshot and scowling.

“As you all know, this is a very complicated situation,” Maura began. “Our goal here has to be united if we’re going to work together.”

“You mean to get Adam his memories back, right?” Blue asked.

“That would certainly be ideal. But we have to face the fact that it might not be possible right away,” Gansey added quietly.

“Easy for you to say,” Ronan snarled, but it wasn’t nearly has heated as it could have been.

“I’m only thinking about your safety, Ronan. The forest said that Adam wouldn’t remember you until you die. I don’t want to rush into anything to try and make him remember if it ends in your death.”

“So the memories aren’t gone, right?” Henry added. “I mean, if it said that he won’t remember until Lynch dies, then that means he would remember afterwards. So, like, they’re still in there somewhere.” 

“Very astute, Henry,” Gansey said. Ronan rolled his eyes.

“Adam’s memories have been altered, though,” Maura started, “Calla, why don’t you explain to them?”

“Maura is right. All of you were so wrapped up in one another that many of his memories of the snake are entwined with memories of all of you. He still remembers the rest of you, but those memories aren’t necessarily what really happened, they're a version of the truth that removes a whole person from them. He knows about what you all went through, but I suspect if he thinks too hard about it, he'll run into blocks in his memory that will only confuse and frustrate him further. You won't be able to jog his memory. It’s like there’s a lock around his real memories, and the only key is this one’s death,” she said, pointing to Ronan.

"So we find another key," Blue said.

"We find another key," Gansey agreed.

"And how exactly do we do that?" Ronan asked. "This isn't like Glendower. We don't even know what we're looking for."

"Let's go over the facts. We know that Adam can't remember Ronan. It also appears he can't form new memories of him."

Ronan's mind wandered back to the morning. After Adam had woken, the hospital staff found their little family in the waiting room and led them back to his room. Gansey had gone in alone at first. He sat in the hallway with Blue, chewing on his leather bracelets. Henry had been dozing in the waiting room so they'd sent him to Fox Way.

Over the course of the night Ronan had mostly been silent, lost in his thoughts. He'd tried to accept that Adam may never remember him. But he had fallen in love with him once, right? So maybe he could again. He knew everything about Adam, he could try to be his friend again, give the cautious boy all the time he needed to learn to trust him, to _know_ him. Ronan had no doubt that he would love Adam in any timeline, any universe. Maybe Adam would do the same. It would be hard, but they belonged together. He tentatively began forming a plan. But that had been shattered before it'd even had a chance to exist.

"You up for more visitors?" He heard Gansey ask.

"Sure," Adam had replied, sounding a bit irritated.

That was their cue. _Okay, Lynch, time to start wooing your boyfriend._

"Hey Blue," Adam started as they walked into the room. He frowned when he saw Ronan. 

"Who's this?" he asked, looking to Gansey. 

"Oh, you don't—this is Ronan, remember? He drove you here." 

"No he didn't," Adam replied, eyebrows furrowed, "Declan Lynch did." 

"You remember Declan?" Gansey asked quietly. 

"From Aglionby, yeah. And then last night. I know my memory's pretty shitty right now but I know this guy wasn't there," he said, gesturing to Ronan, not even looking at him. He was still frowning. 

"Ronan is Declan's brother." 

Adam gave Gansey a confused look. Quietly he said, "Why is he even here?" 

Ronan stood frozen. What the fuck was he supposed to do now? Adam clearly didn't want him around even if he was being too polite to say it directly. And it seemed likely he'd never want him around, would literally never remember him from one day to the next. _To save the Greywaren, the Magician sacrifices all memory of him._ God fucking damn it. 

"I—," he began, but Adam cut him off. 

"Look, I don't mean to be rude but I've had a long night and I'm really not in the mood for this right now."

Apparently he'd decided to forego being polite. Ronan would have been proud if this was literally any other situation. 

"Right. I'll leave you to your friends, then." 

He walked out of the room but stayed in the hallway. He tuned everything out, chewing his bracelets again. Why had he thought there could be any hope? Shouldn't he know better by now? 

Adam's voice cut into his sulking, louder and clearly upset. 

"Because I can't stand to be here, Gansey!" 

"Just stay tonight. I'll take you back to Cambridge tomorrow." 

"You can stay at my house tonight," Blue added. "Henry's there now, and that's where we're staying. Maybe my mom can help you try to remember what happened," she said unconvincingly. 

Adam sighed. "Fine. But I'm leaving first thing in the morning."

Ronan couldn't help but think that maybe this was how Adam, his Adam, had really felt about coming back to Henrietta all along. Maybe this fucked up situation was better for Adam in the long run. 

When he dialed back in to the current conversation, Gansey was still describing what had happened that morning to those who hadn't been there. He didn't need to relive it yet again. He stood. 

"I'm gonna get some air. I'll be back," he said, crossing to the doorway. No one stopped him. 

Adam was snoring softly on the couch, face more relaxed than he'd seen it in awhile. He was so beautiful. Ronan stepped over to him silently and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead. "I'll never stop loving you, Adam," he whispered into his deaf ear, "Even if you never remember me." He sat back and watched as the love of his life slept on, oblivious.

When he finally made his way back to the reading room, the others were still circling around what they already knew, not making any progress. He wasn't surprised. What was there to do? He refused to hope now. There wasn't a point, even if every single part of him was longing for Adam. It felt like he'd gone back in time, hopelessly pining for the boy who would never love him back. Good thing he'd had a lot of practice. 


	5. Chapter 5

It was still dark out when Adam’s eyes blinked open. It had been three weeks since he’d left Henrietta, hopefully for good, but every morning he seemed to wake before the sun with a yearning he couldn’t explain. He knew it was something from his dreams, but he could never see to remember what it was once he’d woken. It was starting to get old.

He still didn't remember what had possessed him to return to Henrietta, or what had happened while he was there. Gansey had been calling him daily, checking in with him, updating him on any leads he'd come across that might help him solve the mystery of his temporary amnesia. So far nothing had helped. They both agreed that the ley line probably had something to do with it, but what? Cabeswater was dead. He thought about trying to scry but doing it alone was dangerous, and he didn't have anyone he trusted enough to watch him.

Adam was not one to back down from a challenge, but part of him wanted to just forget the whole ordeal. He had other problems to focus on now. Succeeding at Harvard was not easy and he needed to focus on school as much as he could without outside distractions. As long as he didn't keep waking up in Henrietta, it wouldn't be a huge problem. He wanted to be able to move forward. He'd let Gansey worry for the both of them, for now at least. He'd shaken the Henrietta dust from his shoes once before. He'd do it again.

Fletcher was snoring lightly. Adam looked over at him. His roommate had been acting a little strange ever since the semester had started up, and Adam was beginning to wonder if the boy had a crush on him. He’d seemed overly invested in Adam’s relationship status.

_“How was break?”_

_Adam didn’t really know how to answer that without lying. He could lie, he supposed, but somehow that just felt wrong. “It was… I don’t know. Weird.”_

_“Good weird or bad weird?”_

_“I don’t want to talk about it weird.”_

_“Okay. How’s Ronan?”_

_“What?” Adam must have heard him wrong._

_“Never mind.”_

_“No, what did you say?”_

_“Sorry, you said you didn’t want to talk about break. I’m assuming that includes talking about your boyfriend.”_

_“I don’t have a boyfriend.” Adam had come to terms with his bisexuality before he'd ever come to Harvard, and his friends knew about it. Embraced it, even. They were all somewhere on the LGBTQ+ spectrum too, and had taught him about things he'd never even considered before. Had never really had a chance to consider, truthfully. But he'd never actually had a boyfriend. He'd barely ever had a girlfriend, either. Maybe he hadn't made that clear._

_“Oh.” Then Fletcher had done something complicated with his face, something between relief and pity, and it had settled into Adam’s stomach uncomfortably._

_“Do_ you _have a boyfriend?” He wasn’t sure why he asked, other than to change the topic of conversation away from himself._

_“Me? No. You knew that.”_

_“Yeah, I just… things have been a little hazy for me lately.” He really shouldn’t have said that. He didn’t want this to become more than it had to. He just wanted things to be normal again. Well, as normal as they ever were for Adam Parrish._

_“You seem different. Are you okay?” Fletcher asked, frowning. So much for changing the subject._

_“I will be.”_

That was only the first time. He'd also overheard Fletcher mentioning the word 'boyfriend' to Gillian one afternoon. He couldn't be sure they were talking about him, of course, but Gillian had given him a look that was eerily similar to the one Fletcher had. He never wanted to see that look again. So when she casually mentioned that she had a friend who he might get along with, he'd reluctantly accepted to meet her. It wasn't really a date. Gillian was bringing her to meet everyone in the Crying Club (he still hated that name) during one of their game nights. Adam didn't really have a lot of time to seek out romance, but if it happened naturally he guessed he wouldn't be opposed. He may be lacking experience, but a small part of him thought it would probably be really nice to be loved. 

That had been a week ago. And Gillian was right, they got along. Her name was Sarah and she was a student at MIT. She was funny, and smart, and Adam had a date with her tonight. It was time to move forward. 


	6. Chapter 6

Ronan was moping. There was really no other word for it, Blue thought. He was not sulking; there wasn't enough fight behind his eyes for that word. He wasn't brooding either. When she looked at him, there was no trace of malice or anger or any of the trademark venom he was known for spitting at unsuspecting victims. He just was.

Currently he was sitting on the floor, staring at a blank spot on the wall while Gansey talked to Adam on the phone from his spot on the couch. This was a daily ritual.

"Oh," Gansey said, pausing. Suddenly, his face transformed. He was no longer Gansey, her best friend, her true love. He was Richard Campbell Gansey III. "No, no, that's... that's great, Adam. Congratulations are in order. I hope it goes well." Another pause. "Yes, of course. Okay. I'll talk to you tomorrow, then. Okay. Bye."

Blue watched intently as his face settled back into his real one, but his eyebrows furrowed and he ran his thumb over his bottom lip. Ronan continued staring at the wall.

With a small sigh she crossed the room and sat next to her boyfriend on the sofa.

"Jane," he said cordially, but there was worry behind his smile. "Adam says hello."

She winced, looking back to her quiet friend. His face betrayed no emotion.

"How is he?"

"He's fine. Getting back into the swing of things. He..." his face contorted once again. Thankfully Ronan was too out of it to see anything amiss.

A moment passed. Then another.

The silence was broken by a small voice, one she'd never heard come out of Ronan's mouth before. "You hope what goes well?"

"What?" Gansey said, turning in his seat to face Ronan.

"You said, 'Congratulations.' You said, 'I hope it goes well.'" His voice was even, bordering on monotone.

"Oh, yes, of course," Gansey replied smoothly. "Adam is up for some kind of internship. He didn't give me all the details. But he interviews tomorrow and supposedly freshmen are never nominated. It's quite the honor."

Ronan just nodded. "That's good," he said in the same flat tone.

Blue stared. Gansey was so obviously _lying_ and Ronan didn't even notice.

"I think I need some air," she said, directing her gaze into Gansey's eyes. "Join me?"

He took her hand. "That's a splendid idea, Jane."

They left Ronan in his spot on the floor, Gansey assuring him they'd be back soon. When they were outside and far enough away from earshot, Blue stopped.

"What did Adam really tell you?"

Gansey frowned again. "He has a date tonight."

_Oh_. Blue's expression matched Gansey's now.

"I didn't even think about the possibility of this," he said, "which was probably very naïve of me, I suppose."

Blue understood, though. She hadn't thought about it either. Adam and Ronan were so very _AdamandRonan_ it was hard to remember that now they weren't. She was so caught up in Ronan's heartbreak, in trying to find a solution for it, she hadn't considered this new obstacle, especially not so soon. For a split second, she was angry with Adam for moving on so quickly before she reminded herself that for him, there was no _so soon_ , no _so quickly_. In his mind, the last person he had dated was her. What a thought.

"What are we going to do?"

"I have no idea. He caught me off guard, that's certain. He sensed I was hesitant, but it wasn't as if I could say, 'Oh no, Adam, you can't go on a date. You have a depressed boyfriend who loves you more than his own life, don't you remember?'"

"Everything is terrible," Blue said softly.

"Everything is terrible," Gansey echoed.


	7. Chapter 7

It had been weeks, but it felt like years. Years since he had felt Adam's warm lips on his own, had listened to his steady heartbeat pulsing under Ronan's ear when he lay on Adam's chest, had felt Adam's beautiful hand cradle the back of his head. He had thought that he would be able to live with all the wanting, the yearning for Adam's presence in every way. He'd done it before, back when he'd been unsure of Adam's feelings, when the idea of an actual relationship with him had seemed like an impossibility.

But now. _Christ_. Now that he knew what Adam felt like in his arms, how he tasted, the small sound he made every goddamn time Ronan kissed a certain spot on his neck, it was nothing short of torture not to have him there, to feel those things again and again and again. No, that wasn't it, exactly. He'd gone weeks without those things before. But there'd always been the promise of them returning, of Adam returning to him. The torture was in the knowledge that there was no promise anymore, no hope. Adam was gone, gone, gone. Forever. This knowledge had put Ronan in a numb sort of fog the first few weeks. Now it had begun to lift, but that only made the pain worse. He sort of liked it, though, secretly. At least he was feeling.

Another torture was the way that everyone in his life seemed to be waiting for him to do something crazy, to go off the edge, to stumble into the darkness like it was an old friend. He supposed that that was fair, given his history, but didn't they understand? There were consequences now that wouldn't just hurt him, they'd hurt Adam. And that was something he could never, ever do.

After weeks upon weeks of no hope, no progress toward fixing anything (Ronan was entirely unsurprised by this) Gansey declared that perhaps he should visit Malory in the UK, study the ley line there. But he was hesitant about leaving Ronan behind.

"I'll be fine, dad," Ronan said, rolling his eyes, "Besides, there are plenty other people crawling up my ass here. I'm sure they'll send you updates on all of my bowel movements."

" _Ronan_ ," Gansey replied, though he meant _Why are you like this?_

"Seriously, Dick. You can't stay here and hover over me forever. Go. Do something that makes you feel useful." It was a cutting remark, and Ronan knew it, but he wasn't much in the mood for tiptoeing around anyone's feelings. Gansey needed a quest. Ronan was happy to give him one.

"If you're sure, then."

"I'm sure. Declan will call you if anything happens. Or Jordan will."

He'd tried not to be bitter about his brother's blossoming romance and found that it was easier than he'd thought. Not _easy_ , just not difficult. He liked Jordan well enough, he supposed. She and Matthew had begun to develop a sort of bond, and Matthew no longer looked at him like he'd been betrayed. Progress.

"Okay, then it's settled. I'll start working out the details. I'm sure Blue and Henry will want to join me."

"Great. Gap year road trip: transatlantic edition."

"I just need you to promise me something," Gansey said in a quieter voice.

" _What_ , Dick?" Ronan said in a louder one.

"Just promise me that you won't..." Gansey trailed off.

"Won't _what_?" God, he was getting so tired of people being so careful around him.

Gansey let out a breath but didn't reply.

Ronan closed his eyes. He had hoped that someone, any one of them, would just understand. Would just _know_ what he was feeling without him having to actually say it. But the only person who'd ever been able to do that was gone now.

"Gansey," he began, eyes still closed. This was another torture, having to express his intimate thoughts and feelings with _words_. "I'm never going to do anything to hurt myself. I'm not gonna be reckless enough to be in that type of situation. Don't you _get it_ , man? He made that sacrifice to _keep me safe_. I couldn't... I could never dishonor that."

" _Ronan_ ," Gansey said again, but this time it meant _You always astound me._

"And another thing," Ronan said, finding himself unable to stop explaining now that he'd opened the floodgates, "What do you think happens if I die? Parrish will remember me, great. But then _he_ gets to be the one to suffer alone. I won't do that to him."

"You're an incredible creature," Gansey said softly.

"Yeah, you've told me," Ronan replied, not quite able to add the sarcasm he wanted to. This wasn't about him. It was about Adam.

Strong, resilient, beautiful Adam, who had already endured a lifetime of pain. Who had dug himself out of misery. Who deserved to be happy, with or without him. And Ronan would be damned if he'd do anything to mess that up.


	8. Chapter 8

Adam sat at his desk, buried in a pile of textbooks, notebooks, and highlighters, trying to sort through his notes from class and create a better study schedule. He wasn't falling behind, not by any means, but he was usually better than this. The need to have control was itching inside of him, and he wouldn't feel better until he'd organized everything into an orderly itinerary.

As he began to turn all the academic chaos into something productive, his phone buzzed from the nightstand. He sighed. He already knew who it was without having to look. At least Gansey had stopped the daily phone calls now. He actually hadn't heard from him in three days.

"Hey Gansey," he said, putting the phone on speaker so he could continue his work.

"Adam!" Blue's voice echoed into his otherwise empty dorm room.

"Oh, hey Blue. How's it going? How's England?"

"It's fine. Gansey's over the moon, of course, showing us everything he'd explored when he was here before, looking for clues under any rock he sees."

Adam chuckled. "Of course he is. I'm guessing he hasn't actually found anything, though."

Blue sighed. "No, not really. Sorry about that."

"No, that's okay. Don't tell him I said this but I didn't really expect much to be found."

"Yeah, me either," Blue said. "Not so quickly, anyway," she amended.

There was a pause before she continued.

"Actually, Adam, that wasn't really why I called, to be honest."

"Oh, okay. What's on your mind?"

"I was just wondering... how things are going," Blue answered, "With Sarah, I mean."

Adam paused. It wasn't as if he was avoiding talking about her, it was just that he didn't really know how to answer the question. They weren't actually a couple yet, officially. He thought that he might want to get to that point with her, but they were both very busy and didn't get to see each other as much as they'd both like to.

"Things are fine," he finally said. "Not much to report, I'm afraid."

"Really?" Blue asked, sounding a bit weird. Did she sound... relieved? That couldn't be right, could it?

"I mean, we're still seeing each other. Not as often as we'd like, though."

"Too busy with school?"

"Something like that. We just don't have a lot of free time."

"I get it. Who has time for romance at Harvard, right?"

"Well, that's not... I mean I guess I could make more time."

"Oh, I didn't mean..."

"I know, Blue. I think I've just been a little overwhelmed lately. Right now I'm trying to revise my study plan and feel a little more organized. I guess I should do that with other things too."

"Adam Parrish, you are literally the most organized person I have ever met. I'm sure you're fine."

"I am fine. I just... want to be more than fine, I guess."

"Makes sense. I have faith in you, Parrish."

Something in him shivered at the way she said his name like that. He shrugged it off.

"Actually, Blue, can I talk to you about something?"

"Always."

He chuckled. If every relationship he'd ever have ended as well as his with Blue's had, he'd be lucky.

"So there's..." he paused again, unsure how to proceed. He wasn't even sure there was anything to talk about so it was hard to put this feeling he had into words. "There's this guy."

"Tell me about him," Blue said quietly.

"He's in my bio class. His name is Ethan."

"And?"

"And sometimes I think there could be something there, but then other times I think I'm just reading too much into it."

"Do you like him?"

"I mean, yeah. I don't know him very well, but I'd kind of like to. But if anything were to happen, it would mean more strain on my already full schedule, so I don't know. What do you think?"

Blue took an audible breath, as if she were preparing herself for what she was about to say. Adam wasn't sure if this was a good sign or not.

"I think that you have to find out."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Isn't that part of what college is about, anyway? Exploring your options?"

"I guess that makes sense. It's not like Sarah and I have decided to be exclusive or anything." He let out a small breath. Building relationships took so much work. If only the perfect person for him could just walk into his life and fit right in. But that wasn't how the world worked.

"That's good," Blue said quickly. "I mean, that you're keeping things open for now. Don't want to hurry into anything. You've got plenty of time."

"Yeah, what's the rush, right? We can't all find our true loves in high school." He felt a little better then. He hadn't even come to Harvard with the idea that he was going to suddenly find his soulmate there or anything, why was he so concerned with it now? Blue was right, he had all the time in the world to fall in love. And now he kind of liked the idea of keeping his options open.

"Right," she said, sounding a bit hesitant. "But will you keep me updated about it?"

"Yeah, of course. I'm sure it won't be nearly as interesting as you're expecting, though."

"It will be plenty interesting, Adam. I want to know about what's going on in your life."

"I miss you, Blue. And Gansey. And Henry, even if we never really got a chance to become good friends. He's good for you and Gansey."

"He is. But you're doing okay over there, right? How are your friends there?"

"They're fine. I really do care about them, it's not that I don't, sometimes I just miss what we had."

"We still have it," Blue reminded him.

"I know. You and Gansey are the most important people in my life."

Blue made a sound like she was trying not to cry.

"You are too, Adam. I love you, you know that?"

"I know. I love you too, Blue." And he did. It had taken him a long time to come to terms with what love meant for him, but he was sure of it now. He loved Blue and he loved Gansey. He had loved Cabeswater. He could love.

"Well sorry to cut this short, but I have to run. Don't forget to keep me posted."

"I will. I'll text you."

"Bye, Adam. Good luck with everything."

"You too," he said as he hung up. He sat quietly for a minute, ignoring his schoolwork. His mind was still with Blue, with Gansey. Where would he be without them? If he'd never had their friendship, would he be the same person? No. He knew that for sure. He didn't think the kind of love they shared, the kind that he'd never had before them, was something anyone could take for granted. He was grateful for it, even if sometimes the old pang of jealousy shot through him when he thought of how obviously and irrevocably in love Blue and Gansey were. It wasn't about Blue; he'd realized long ago that she wasn't the one for him. It was just the certainty they had about each other.

Would he ever find that? Someone so in tune with him, so sure of him as he was about them? Well. There was really only one way to find out. He was going to ask Ethan out. If it didn't go over well, at least he'd know. And he still had Sarah, too. And plenty of time to figure out if either of them or anyone else could be that person for him.

With a small sigh he turned back to his work. He could think about all of that later.


	9. Chapter 9

Declan was tired. This was nothing new. He'd spent his life exhausted, anxious, and vigilant. There was always _something_ threatening the health and well-being of his family, and Ronan was usually at the center of it. He'd never really counted on a supernatural sort of heartbreak to be the thing to really hurt him, though.

He'd always known that Parrish was devoted to his brother, that was obvious to anyone who saw them together. But he'd been worried that one day, all the complications that came along with being with a Lynch would push him away and break Ronan's heart and he'd have to deal with the aftermath. He was a lot less certain about that now. Parrish had been willing to give Ronan's dreamscape forest whatever it wanted to keep Ronan safe and that was not something he took lightly. If they ever found a way to fix this, he'd have to be sure to express his gratitude to the boy who'd saved his brother. Even if the consequences of what he'd done were hurting Ronan now.

Of course, without Parrish's sacrifice it would have been much worse. Ronan was alive and safe from the Moderators. That was the important thing. But he wasn't alive and _well_. Declan knew he couldn't possibly understand what his brother was going through, but now that he had Jordan in his life? Well, he could understand it a little better than he would have before. He'd done what he could to make things easier for Parrish's transition into a Ronanless existence. While his brother had sat motionless in a hospital waiting room, he had wiped away any sign of Ronan from Parrish's life. That was what he was best at, wasn't it? Taking care of business, cleaning up messes. It was his forte, as they say.

And now he was in the car again, on his way to take care of something else his brother needed him to. He wasn't complaining, though. Ronan had texted him that morning. Texted him. Without any prompting, or persuasion, or lectures about modern technology's usefulness in keeping each other updated. Not that the lectures would have done anything.

_I need a favor. Come to the Barns when you get a chance._

Declan had nearly jumped up and left D.C. the moment he'd read it. Ronan was using his phone to communicate with someone other than his boyfriend. Not only that, he was actually asking for Declan's help. It was nothing short of a miracle, really.

He pulled into the drive after quite a horrible experience going through the dreamt security system and Ronan was waiting for him, sitting on the porch. His eyes were dark.

"To what do I owe this pleasure?" Declan asked.

"Shut the fuck up," Ronan replied. He jerked his head. "Come with me."

He followed Ronan to the long barn where he did most of his dreaming. They went inside.

"I haven't been dreaming," Ronan admitted. "All of this shit is from... from before."

Before he'd lost Adam.

"What the hell, Ronan? You know you can't do that, you have to—"

"I _know_ , Declan. Jesus, you think I don't know that?" He crossed his arms, scowling.

"Then... I don't understand, Ronan."

"I—I didn't notice at first. Those first few weeks," he said, looking at the floor.

Declan remembered those weeks with terrible clarity. His brother had been a ghost, a shell of himself. He didn't think he'd ever miss his brother's biting anger, his sarcasm and all around bad attitude. He had been wrong. It was better now, but not by a whole lot. Part of him worried Ronan would slip away again, maybe for good. He had to keep that from happening.

"Okay. So what happened after you noticed?"

"I realized what was happening and that there hadn't been any sign of the nightwash."

 _Nightwash_. A stupid name for a very serious threat.

"Haven't you gone that long without dreaming before? Safely, I mean?"

"Yeah, I've gone longer. But this feels different."

"Different how?"

"I don't know, man. I can't explain it. I just know."

"Okay." He wanted to believe him, he did. But Ronan was prone to jumping to conclusions. "So what does this have to do with the favor you wanted?"

Ronan inhaled. "I want you to take me to Cambridge."

Declan laughed, a little hysterically. He'd say that Ronan couldn't be serious, except that he really could. No one was as inclined to bad decisions as his brother.

"I'm serious," Ronan growled.

"Oh, I know," Declan said, still laughing, "I just don't have a clue why you'd think that would be a good idea in any possible way, for anyone."

"I want to test this out. No dreaming, but no nightwash. Maybe I can travel now too."

"All right, I can see the merit of that. But seriously, Ronan. Cambridge? Are you _trying_ to torture yourself?"

"I just... I need to see him."

"I really don't think that's a good idea, Ronan," he said.

"Look, I know, okay? I'm not delusional. This isn't about me, it's about him. I just need to know he's okay."

"I can go, I'll be thorough. Let you know what you need to know."

"You can't, though. You don't know him like I do, you don't know what to look for."

Declan closed his eyes. He conceded that point. He'd never seen any two people so in tune with each other. But he still didn't think it was worth the risk.

"Then tell me what to look for."

"Jesus, just forget it! Just because you never—" but he cut himself off before he could finish that thought. He stalked over to the door, ripping it open.

"Wait," Declan said. "I'll do it."

Ronan turned. "What?"

"I'll take you. To Cambridge."

"You're not fucking with me?"

"I know that you'll just go anyway, Ronan," he said. Ronan lowered his eyes, an admission. "If you're going, I want to be there."

He watched as Ronan nodded, then walked out the door. This was such a bad idea, a phenomenally disastrous idea. He wondered what messes it would leave him to clean up this time.


	10. Chapter 10

Ronan's nerves were a wildfire, popping and sizzling as they burned him from the inside. He was going to see Adam again for the first time in what felt like an eternity. Logically, he knew that it would not be anything like the last time he had visited his boyfriend at Harvard (and though that particular visit had been an overall disaster it had still its good—no, miraculous moments, any time spent alone with Adam was nothing short of miraculous) but his body didn't seem to care. Every inch of him was screaming _Adam, Adam, Adam_.

This was dangerous. And while he was no stranger to skating the thin edge between danger and (relative) safety, this was not something to take lightly. There was nothing about Adam Parrish to take lightly.

Declan had insisted on a strict itinerary for the trip, and while Ronan had wanted to roll his eyes and refuse, he also wanted this to go well, had never wanted anything to go as smoothly as this trip needed to. And he could admit (to himself, never to Declan) that if nothing else, his brother excelled at the type of careful control this type of situation warranted. The type of control that only Adam could rival.

So they had come to a tense agreement that they'd treat this as somewhat of a science experiment. Adam would be proud. They were going to recreate the timeline from his last visit, to see if the nightwash made an appearance, which meant they were staying overnight.

Ronan wouldn't actually get a chance to see Adam in person until the following day, for two reasons: first, if the schedule Adam kept was still the same, he'd be busy this afternoon and into the evening today anyway and Ronan wanted their "accidental" meet up to be longer than a hurried run-in between classes and other responsibilities, and second, Ronan was still technically banned from the Harvard campus. But tomorrow was Saturday, and Ronan knew that meant that Adam should be working a morning shift at a coffee shop off campus. He would be out around noon, with the rest of the day free for a good study session. And just maybe a conversation with Ronan.

Another reason for avoiding Harvard itself was Adam's friends. He actually had no idea what they even knew about the situation, though it wouldn't surprise him if Declan had done something to explain it away. He didn't ask, though. It wasn't something he needed to know. He'd already proven to be a major fuckup in their eyes and no matter what they thought now, he knew they wouldn't be conducive to making this go as easily as he needed it to.

This was going to work. It had to.

Declan was at the hotel, and Ronan had decided he was going to jump out of his skin if he didn't go and blow off some steam, so he'd gone out for a walk, much to Declan's displeasure. But Declan couldn't keep an eye on him every minute of every goddamn day. After promising to bring his phone, and to answer it if Declan called (God, sometimes he hated his aversion to lying) Ronan found himself walking in the direction of the coffee shop Adam worked at. He could do that. There was no harm. He was just going to walk by, he wouldn't stop or go inside. And Adam wouldn't even be there anyway. This was fine.

So when the door swung open as he passed it and Adam walked right into him, Ronan nearly had a heart attack. For one brief moment that took his mind time to catch up to, his body had felt Adam's against it once more. It was heaven and hell wrapped into one stumbling movement.

"Oh, hey sorry," Adam said politely, "I wasn't watching where I was going, I guess."

Ronan struggled to form words. _Say something, you idiot._

"No problem, man." _Smooth, Lynch._

Adam looked at him. There was no hint of recognition behind his eyes, but there was _something_. Ronan had no idea what it was, and that thought threatened to choke him. Had he really lost his ability to read Adam's expressions so quickly?

Then he saw it. Adam was being hesitant. About what?

"I, um... I'm so sorry about that," he said, grazing his eyes down Ronan's form.

Ronan's eyes followed Adam's and it wasn't until that moment that he realized that Adam had spilled iced coffee all over his jeans. His body had been entirely focused on Adam's proximity and he hadn't even registered the shock of the cold drink hitting him. He let out a laugh. Adam smiled. God, this was a million times better than he'd imagined it.

"No, it was my fault," Ronan said, "I was standing too close to the door."

"There's a bathroom inside, if you want to try to clean that up," he said, gesturing to Ronan's pelvis. His pulse quickened.

"Oh, um, yeah, thanks," Ronan answered, internally rolling his eyes at himself. _Keep the conversation going. Don't let him leave yet._ "And you need a new drink. Let me get you one."

"Oh, no, you really don't have to," Adam said, eyes down, "It really was my fault, and—"

Ronan cut him off, using a weapon he desperately hoped still worked.

"Please?"

Adam's eyes flicked up to meet his, then took a moment to give himself an internal talking to. Ronan had seen that look a thousand times.

"Okay," he said with a small smile.

As he followed Adam into the coffee shop, he could swear his traitorous heart was going to beat right out of his chest and reveal every truth he kept locked inside. He was hesitant to leave Adam to wait in line while he cleaned up, afraid the moment he came out of the bathroom he'd be gone, but he was still there, waving him over when they locked eyes. He struggled to breathe.

They ordered. One iced coffee with milk for Adam, one sugary hazelnut latte for Ronan. When they picked up their drinks, Ronan froze for a moment. Was this where it ended for today? But he was relieved when Adam led them to a table.

They talked for what felt like hours. Ronan asking questions about school, getting updates on things he didn't even know he was missing until now. He told Adam about living on his family farm in Virginia, and they laughed (Ronan not so sincerely) about the irony of growing up so close and not knowing each other. Adam asked what brought him to Cambridge and Ronan told him it was his brother. That wasn't actually a lie, after all.

His phone rang, cutting into the conversation. _Damn it, Declan, not NOW._ But he knew there'd be hell to pay if he didn't answer after the promise he'd made. And he'd really love a chance to run into Adam again this trip.

"I really have to take this," he said apologetically. "It's my brother. Please don't... please don't leave yet."

Adam only nodded his agreement as Ronan stood to take the call outside. Declan had nothing important to say, other than to ask when he'd be back. He didn't know so he didn't give him an affirmative answer. He quickly insisted that everything was fine before hanging up. He had no time to waste. When he got back inside he saw that Adam was texting someone. He sat back in his chair and waited.

"Sorry, it's my friend, Blue. She wanted me to keep her updated about—well, it doesn't matter," he said, lips quirking.

"No worries," he said, unable to keep a smile off his face.

"So, um. Thank you. For the coffee."

"Well, thank _you_ for giving me an excuse to buy you one." _Jesus fuck he was obvious._

Adam laughed. Ronan wished he could bottle that sound and play it over and over.

"Maybe next time we can skip the whole spilling my drink all over you thing, though," Adam added.

_Next time._

He knew, logically, that there would be no _next time_ , not in the way that Adam meant it, anyway. But Ronan would gladly take all the first times Adam would give him.

"Yeah," Ronan said dumbly, swallowing hard.

"I really have to go now," Adam added, standing up. He took a breath and closed his eyes. This was Adam's way of preparing to say something that was hard for him. Ronan waited, holding his own breath.

Adam slowly turned Ronan's empty coffee cup towards him. At some point, most likely while he was outside, Adam had scrawled his number on it.

"Use it. If you want to, I mean."

_You have no idea how much I would love to._

Ronan just smiled at him, hoping that was answer enough for now. He wouldn't lie to him. He knew he couldn't actually use his number, that by tomorrow Adam wouldn't remember any of this.

Adam's answering smile was radiant. And that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, some fluff! Hope you enjoyed it.


	11. Chapter 11

The Saturday morning sun broke through the curtains with a warm glow. Ronan woke with a smile on his face, still reeling from the night before. He stroked a thumb over Adam's messy handwriting on the coffee cup he'd set on the nightstand. This time it really did feel like he'd caught happiness without meaning to.

Declan had lectured him when he found out, of course. But he didn't even care. Nothing could bring him down right now.

His phone buzzed from somewhere. He'd ignored it completely since his call with Declan. He'd kept his promise, then promptly forgot about it. The only number he actually wanted to hear from wasn't going to be calling him any time soon. _Or ever_ , he reminded himself. _This is dangerous. Don't forget that._

Sighing, he looked around the room. No Declan. Probably out getting coffee. _Coffee._ He'd never look at it the same way. He heard his phone buzz again. It was probably still in his jacket pocket. He dug it out and saw that he had seventeen missed calls. No surprise there. Adam had admitted to texting Blue last night, after all. He felt a small thrill at the thought that he was texting her about _him_. He pulled up his own texts; a steady stream of them had come in starting the night before, and three from this morning, all from SARGENTO.

**\- LYNCH ANSWER YOUR DAMN PHONE**

**\- What did you do??**

**\- I swear to god, Lynch**

**\- I can't believe you**

**\- Never mind, I can totally believe you**

**\- We need to talk**

**\- It's about Adam**

**\- CALL ME ASSHOLE**

He sniggered. Normally, he'd ignore the request. But his friends were an ocean away and he really did want to know what Adam had said about him. Jesus, it was like he was a schoolgirl with a crush. _What did he say, Blue? Does he like me? Does he like-like me?_

The phone rang once before Blue answered.

" _Ronan Lynch, you unbelievable asshole_."

"Nice to talk to you too, maggot."

"What happened? How did you... Why were you in Cambridge?"

He explained about the dreaming and the nightwash, conveniently leaving out the part about just wanting to see Adam's face. Not that she didn't already know that.

"You're still there, aren't you?" she asked hesitantly.

"How'd you know?"

"Because I know you."

_I know you._

He guessed that was true, on some level. _No one knows me like Adam, maggot_. A sharp pain shot through his chest. _No one knows me like Adam used to_ , he amended. His bright mood darkened, but just a little. He took a deep breath.

"Yeah, we're still here."

"We?"

"Declan came with me."

"Declan? _Declan?_ He actually approved of this insanity?"

"I don't need anyone's _approval_ ," he snarled.

"Of course you don't."

"Look, are you just gonna lecture me? I don't need this." He nearly hung up then but he still hadn't gotten what he wanted so he resisted.

"Wait, Ronan, I'm sorry. I'm being... insensitive, I guess."

"Wow, maggot, that was almost sincere."

"Yeah, well."

They sat quietly for a minute.

"I just worry about you," Blue said, "And about Adam."

"I'm aware."

"I just don't think it's a good idea, Ronan. For you or for him."

He didn't care about any negative effects this might have on him. The good outweighed the bad by a shit ton.

"What's the problem? He's not gonna remember any of it."

"That's exactly the problem, Ronan. He woke up today with no memory of what happened last night. Well, no memory of _you_ anyway."

"Way to rub it in."

"I'm sorry, that's not what I'm... but he called me this morning. He said he could tell that he was forgetting something again. It really freaked him out. I had to talk him down."

Oh. He had hurt Adam without meaning to. Of course he had.

"I didn't know," he said quietly, "I didn't think it would—"

"I know you didn't, Ronan. I know you'd never intentionally do anything to upset him." She sounded wistful.

"I won't do it again." He knew he wouldn't. Not when it would do anything to hurt Adam in any way. Even if that meant now he was the one hurting. Last night he'd allowed himself to imagine a thousand different ways he could recreate the way he'd felt in the coffee shop. And now they were ripped away from him. His mood darkened some more.

"I'm sorry," Blue said, as if that would do anything.

"Yeah."

"He really liked you, if that's any consolation."

And it was. If he was never going to experience this again, he wanted to soak up as much magic from it as he could.

"What did he say?"

Even over the phone he could hear that Blue's mood shifted. She suppressed a laugh.

"Well he texted me first. Just to say that his evening was going rather unexpectedly. But he didn't give any details, so imagine my surprise when he called me on his walk back to campus to tell me that he'd met a handsome stranger named Ronan who bought him coffee. Jesus, Lynch, I had to use some of my finest acting skills last night. You couldn't have warned me?"

He ignored the question. "He thought I was handsome?"

"Oh for the love of—yes, Ronan he thought you were handsome."

A tiny, warm ball of light appeared in his chest.

"What else did he say?"

"He told me he gave you his number. That he..." she trailed off like she didn't want to finish her sentence.

"That he what?"

She sighed. "He really hoped you'd use it."

The light flickered.

Ronan rubbed his face. He was going to get whiplash with all this back and forth.

"I wish I could."

"I know."

"I won't."

"I know," she said again. "Look, I know I've already lectured you enough. And I know you're upset about the effects this is having on Adam. But I want you to know they weren't all bad. You made him really happy last night. I haven't heard him sound like that since... before."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," she said softly. "I mean, he's been doing fine, focusing on school and... other things, and he has his friends. Overall, he's doing well."

Generally speaking, he already knew all of this. But it was nice to hear that Adam was okay, more than okay. Even if it hurt just a little bit to know he was doing well without him. But more importantly, he did want to know that Adam could be okay without him. Happy without him, even. If Ronan couldn't be a part of his life anymore, he still wanted him to have a good one. A great one.

"That's good. He deserves to be happy."

"He does. And you did give him that, if just for a few hours. He said that he'd never felt that way before, that he'd never connected with someone so quickly. He really liked you, Ronan. He said he had a really good feeling about you."

The light in his chest warmed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on such a roll right now! This chapter was originally going to have more to it but I ended up with a different focus than I originally planned, and it didn't fit as well with what's coming next as one chapter, so I split it up. I'm still working on that now, and I'll probably post the next chapter later tonight/early tomorrow. I'm having such a great time writing this fic and without all of you reading it, leaving kudos and comments, it wouldn't be nearly as fun. Thank you all so much. <3


	12. Chapter 12

"Well that's that, then. You ready to head out?" Declan was back, indeed with more coffee. He'd even picked up a hazelnut latte for Ronan. He tried hard not to smile too much at his coffee cup when Declan had handed it to him. Even if it wasn't actually from where Adam worked, it still filled him with warmth thinking about it.

"Yeah, I guess."

"Let's get moving then, check out's in 20 minutes."

Ronan began shoving clothes in his bag as Declan cleaned up the takeout containers from the night before.

"No!" he yelled, probably a bit dramatically, when Declan reached to throw out his coffee cup from the night before.

Declan eyed him curiously before looking at the cup in his hand.

"Right. Sorry," he said as he handed it over and Ronan snatched it from him like it was priceless treasure. Well, it was, okay?

"So are we headed back to that coffee shop then? I guess we could have just waited to get some there," Declan mused, frowning. As if it was some great inconvenience to visit two coffee places in the same day. Not that he knew they weren't going.

Ronan gave him a frown of his own. "No."

"No? Did you want to go later?"

His frown deepened to a scowl. "No, we're not going at all."

"You don't want to see him again?"

What a stupid question. Of course he wanted to see Adam again, every day, for the rest of his life. But we don't always get what we want, do we?

Staring at the floor, he said, "I talked to Sargent this morning. Parrish freaked out after last night. After forgetting about it, I mean."

Declan didn't say anything. When Ronan finally lifted his gaze to his brother's, he could tell that he was trying hard not to say something along the lines of 'I told you so.'

"Yes, Declan, congratulations. You were right, I fucked up again," he sneered, "Happy?"

"Not in the slightest," he answered. "I know you can't seem to grasp the concept, but I don't like it when something hurts you."

He deflated, just a bit. Deep down he did know that Declan didn't actually want him to suffer. They were slowly getting better at understanding each other. He kind of hated it sometimes.

"Yeah, I know," he conceded reluctantly.

"So what's on the schedule now, then? Head back?"

"No, it's too early. I haven't been here long enough to be sure about the nightwash."

"Okay, then. Where to?"

"Honestly, I don't give a fuck."

*****

After stopping for breakfast, they ended up wandering around some park Declan had Googled. It would have been all right, but Declan never let them get too far from where he'd parked his car. Originally, he had mentioned the possibility of finding some sort of historical tour, of which Ronan had absolutely no interest, but in the off chance that he started oozing black shit from his orifices, Declan had said that he didn't want to be stuck somewhere inconvenient.

So they wandered. And they waited. And the nightwash was a no show.

By the early afternoon, they agreed that it was probably not going to happen. Declan was still cautious, though. Because of course he was. But he'd grudgingly let Ronan wander off on his own, only after making him promise once again to answer his phone if he called. When had Ronan become so compliant?

A part of him buzzed to do something rebellious. Not reckless. He'd already made his peace with giving up the parts of his life that could endanger it. That was for Adam, and he'd do anything for him. And it wasn't like he hadn't already stopped all the excessive drinking and street racing when he and Adam had been together. He hadn't needed it anymore. Well, not most of the time.

But now he was itching to feel that again. To feel the fire course through his veins, his heart beating wildly as his body rushed with adrenaline.

To his disappointment, nothing in his in surroundings looked likely to give that to him. So he quickly found the nearest exit and headed out into the city, searching for something, anything to chase that feeling without a hint of possibility of actually killing him. This was going to be difficult.

But he didn't get too far before the chaos found _him_. Walking down the street, he noticed a construction crew high above him. He didn't give it a second thought.

But as he passed below, suddenly everything slowed down, seconds taking lifetimes. He heard the creak first, then the shouts, and he didn't even have to look up to know that something, he didn't care what, was plummeting towards him with furious speed. He felt himself gasp, an involuntary reaction.

_No. I can't hurt Adam like this. I can't die now. Not like this._

And then suddenly time sped back up and he was standing in the middle of a broken piece of scaffolding. It surrounded him but did not touch him.

 _Magician._ But no, that wasn't right. He was not the Magician. And he was miles and miles away from Lindenmere, it couldn't possibly be protecting him now. Right? This was not like what happened with Adam at Aglionby. It couldn't be.

 _Coincidence_ , he thought, because it wasn't.

Someone was touching him, several someones in fact. Their voices filled his ears.

"Holy shit, man, you okay?"

"What the hell happened?"

"Come on, take my hand," a calmer voice said.

He looked at them then. A woman with dark skin was reaching for him, waiting for him to reach back, unlike the others crowding across the scaffolding to grab at him. He shook them off and took her hand. She helped him to climb across the scattered pieces and back onto sturdy ground.

He immediately took off back towards the park.

"Hey, where you going?" a voice shouted.

"Wait, there's an ambulance on its way, you should—"

He turned back to the crowd, put on his most terrifying sneer and shouted, "Fuck off!" before returning to his mission.

He had to find Declan. They had to leave.

With a scowl he pulled out his phone.

"Ronan? Why are you calling? What's going on? Did something happen?" He sounded frantic. Ronan supposed that was justified, not just from what had just happened, but from the fact that he had actually used his phone to call his brother.

"We're leaving, now. You still at the park?"

"Yes, where are you?"

He took in his surroundings, trying to remember how to get to the car from here. He didn't trust himself to drive right now, even if he now suspected he wouldn't be in any danger speeding down the roads headed home. He still didn't know for sure. He had to be sure.

He spotted the area where they'd parked in the distance. "Meet me at the car," he said, panting. "You're taking me to Lindenmere."


	13. Chapter 13

When Adam walked into his bio class early on Monday, he stopped dead in his tracks. There was Ethan, pointedly looking anywhere but in Adam's direction. _Shit_. He'd completely forgotten about their date on Friday. God, he was such an asshole. Even with the valid excuse he had for Friday night (from what, dissociating?) he also hadn't called or texted him all weekend, and there really was no excuse for that. How could he have forgotten? This felt more like carelessness than any of the supernatural amnesia he'd been experiencing. It was on him.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. What was he going to say? How could he possibly explain this? When he opened them again he knew. Nothing but the truth.

He approached and Ethan glanced at him before looking away again.

"I know you have no reason to listen to me right now," he began.

"You're right, I don't."

Adam winced. "Then just let me say that I am truly sorry. You didn't deserve that. If you'll let me, I will tell you what happened. If not, I'll understand and I'll leave you alone."

He waited as Ethan took in his words. He hoped that his honest sincerity was able to get through to him, for either option that Ethan chose.

Ethan looked up at him. "Okay."

"Okay?" He wasn't sure what he was saying okay to.

"Okay, I'll let you explain. Tonight."

The implication was clear. Ethan knew that Adam had study group tonight. He'd have to cancel, and show up for Ethan instead. Adam supposed that that was fair.

"Deal," he said, letting a small grin flash across his face. He gently nudged Ethan's shoulder. "Text me the details. I'll be there."

*****

Six-hundred-some-odd miles away Ronan was nearly passed out in the long barn. It had been a long ass weekend. And now he had to dream. The nightwash was already starting to drip out of him, though not with any ferocity. It was less of a steady stream and more like a leaky faucet.

 _Yeah, yeah_ , he thought, _I'll deal with you in a minute._

For just a few more moments he allowed himself to think about Adam. His emotions were all over the place, so much back and forth with the guilt for hurting him even though he hadn't meant to, the elation at seeing him again, seeing his smile and hearing his laugh, and the strange nerves he'd felt trying to impress him.

He smiled. He was going to have to brush up on his charm again. What a glorious thought.

That fucking forest. So technical.

_Just keep him safe._

_We hear you, Magician. We listen to your heart's desires. We will protect the Greywaren._

Everyone, every-goddamn-one had thought that this meant protecting him from the Moderators. And it did, of course. But apparently it had also meant protecting him from everything else too. And he didn't need that. Didn't want that. No, what he wanted and needed, more than anything else, was Adam Parrish.

So he'd made a deal. A "sacrifice." In exchange for giving up Lindenmere's constant protection, Adam would now be able to start forming memories of him again. No more run-ins that only lead to fucking with Adam's sanity. It was no sacrifice, not at all in Ronan's eyes. But the forest had accepted.

Of course, that now meant having to deal with the consequences of not dreaming for months. So here he was, ready to dream again. It was a shiny new world.

*****

Adam had been a ball of nerves all day. He hadn't wanted to fuck this up before it had even had a chance to go anywhere. He still didn't know how he was going to explain the weekend. There was no excuse for how he'd practically forgotten Ethan even existed for two whole days, not even with his memory loss. That was different. It was like there was something on the tip of his tongue, and he couldn't ever quite remember what it was. It was still there, just not accessible.

So he was going to tell Ethan the truth, explain it as best as he could. And Ethan could decide what to do with that. He wouldn't push, he hadn't earned any right to.

"Look who made it," Ethan said, with just a hint of bitterness. It was easy to miss, but Adam was always paying attention. He supposed that he deserved it.

"Yeah, on time and everything."

Ethan smirked, just a little. It reminded him of... something. Someone? He shook his head.

They waited to be seated in the crowded diner Ethan had picked, standing somewhat awkwardly. Adam wondered if he should break the tension.

"So what's your great explanation?"

Well, apparently they were jumping straight into it.

"Okay," Adam said, "I know how this is going to sound, so bear with me, all right? I already know how it sounds."

Ethan narrowed his eyes.

"There have been a couple of times where I've experienced what's known as Transient Global Amnesia."

"Amnesia. You've _got_ to be kidding me, Adam," Ethan said, biting back a dubious laugh.

"I told you I know how it sounds. And I've never been more serious, I swear." He hoped his eyes could convey his honesty better than his words. Something on his face must have gotten through to Ethan, because his suspicion lightened.

"Really?"

"Yes, really. I can show you my discharge papers if you want."

"You're really serious." Ethan's eyes widened.

"Yes," Adam said sincerely.

"So you had another... episode?"

"Mm," Adam replied wordlessly. "Something like that."

"Shit."

"Yeah."

"Well, okay then. I guess you're off the hook."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Adam smiled.

*****

Lindenmere was an ancient thing. It had existed in many forms, but twice now it was graced with not only the Greywaren, but also his Magician.

When it had been known by a different name, Cabeswater, it had loved its Magician and he had loved it. It had seen things with its Magician's eyes, felt things with his hands. It knew the depth of his feelings for the Greywaren, how fiercely and unwaveringly he loved him. It understood. It loved the Greywaren too.

This was what had made the Magician's sacrifice so powerful. Giving up his memories of the Greywaren was more than enough to protect him from immediate threat. But that was not what the Magician had asked for, had desired in his heart. His simplest, most base desire was for the Greywaren to be safe, always. And that was a lot of work. So it needed to be refreshed, once in awhile. New memories formed were then taken and stored to power the Greywaren's ongoing protection.

Lindenmere did not want to hurt the Magician. It still loved him, though he was not _its_ Magician anymore. So it decided. It still had an unused memory. It could give it back.

*****

The evening had gone better than Adam had any reason to expect it to. Ethan believed him. He forgave him, wanted to keep seeing him. So at the end of the night, before they could say goodbye, Adam pulled him in for a kiss.

It was sweet, and chaste, and tender, and nothing like he'd expected. He felt as if he were a separate being, not really there, not really kissing Ethan. Like he was just observing. He did not find the secrets of the universe written on Ethan's lips. It was a shame, really.

Ethan deepened the kiss, and Adam let him. He became a bit more of an active participant then. It wasn't _bad_ , by any means. Just not... not like...

And suddenly, mid-kiss, he was flooded with the memory of what had happened Friday night. Shit. He really had stood Ethan up. For a guy in ripped jeans that he'd nearly ruined with his iced coffee. For a guy who looked at him like he could see into his very soul and loved what he found there. For—

" _Ronan_ ," he sighed into Ethan's mouth.


	14. Chapter 14

The nightwash was back, and it was becoming a problem, one that Ronan wasn't quite sure how to deal with. Not when he was desperate to get in the BMW and drive for hours up to to see his... boyfriend? That wasn't really accurate, not when Adam didn't have a say, didn't think of Ronan the way Ronan thought of him. Ex-boyfriend? That was just depressing. Technically speaking, they hadn't ever _broken up_. Fuck, this was confusing. 

All he knew for sure was that Adam was the guy he loved and that he'd follow him anywhere given the chance. If only he had one. 

With Lindenmere's protection gone, the nightwash appeared to be making up for lost time. It didn't seem fair, but what in his life did? So he waited. There was no rush, right? Adam would be there—not waiting for him, he didn't even know he existed—and Ronan would go to him as soon as he could. That was his plan for now. Wait. Don't do anything stupid. Don't fuck this up. _Go slow_ , he heard Adam saying to him over and over again. It was out of context, but he clung to it like a drowning man. Adam had always been his lifesaver.

And he dreamed. He now had a pile of useless junk, complications from frustration dreams. He may have committed to being cautious, but that didn't mean he wasn't impatient. He also had an embarrasing pile of romantic crap that he made sure to keep hidden from any prying eyes. No one needed to know about the seemingly unending supply of lotion he couldn't stop manifesting (Adam's hands would never be chapped again) or the toy cars or the mixtapes or any of the other monuments to his old relationship with Adam. He needed some new material.

*****

Gansey wandered around the farmhouse alone, staring at the photos hung on the walls, particularly the ones of Adam. He looked so happy in them. Gansey desperately hoped for that happiness to return.

After the first few weeks, he'd eased up on the daily phone calls. He could tell that Adam was irritated with him for acting like a mother hen. He didn't mean to be overbearing. It just felt like he'd been handed something delicate, both Ronan's and Adam's future happiness, and it was his job to ensure it wasn't ruined. He remembered that night in the hospital, when he'd known that he'd do whatever he could to ease Ronan's pain. Later, he'd had to remind himself that Adam was in pain too, even if he didn't know it. 

Gansey had always been overprotective of Ronan. He still felt a ping of guilt when he thought about the night he'd told Adam not to break him. Guilt for suggesting Ronan was easily breakable, and that Adam was capable of doing the breaking. He knew now, how carefully Adam had considered Ronan's intentions for months, making sure he was ready to give Ronan what he needed long before anything between them ever happened. 

And now, looking at these photos, he was reminded of just how much Adam had loved Ronan. It was a firm, unstoppable, steadfast kind of love. He'd already known that, but it was hitting him hard now. Dealing with the aftermath of Adam's sacrifice had been so chaotic and heartbreaking, he was ashamed that he hadn't ever given the actual sacrifice a second thought. 

_Take what you need. Whatever you need. Just keep him safe._

Adam Parrish was not one for taking things lightly. He had known exactly what he was doing when he said those words. He may not have known what the forest needed, but he didn't care. He would give anything for Ronan. He'd proven Gansey's misguided judgment wrong. He was no more capable of hurting Ronan than Ronan was of hurting Adam. They had both proved that now, time and time again. 

So when Ronan had called and told them to come home, to stop looking for nonexistent solutions, he had listened. Of course Ronan had figured out a way to be with Adam again. Their love had been a powerful thing, and he had no doubt now that it would be again. He didn't know how it would all work out in the end, but he knew that for sure. He trusted both of them. 

It was strange now, he thought, to be back here preparing to leave for college in the fall. His gap year wasn't up yet, but there seemed to be a finality about it anyway. A chapter in his life was ending, with a new one just around the corner. And he felt better now, about leaving. He'd already done that, of course, but he'd still felt guilty nearly a year ago when their trip had started and he knew he wouldn't be around in case Ronan needed him. But Ronan was not incapable of dealing with whatever life threw at him. He was not as fragile as he once considered him. He had done a lot of growing up while Gansey wasn't looking. He should have been looking. 

*****

Adam didn't know what to do. After he'd effectively ended any chance he'd ever have with Ethan by sighing another guy's name during a tame makeout session, he had been upset with himself but more importantly he had looked forward to hearing from the guy in question. But Ronan hadn't called. Hadn't texted. He could have dropped off the face of the Earth and Adam would have no idea.

He frowned. Maybe he had been wrong about the entire situation. Maybe it didn't mean the same thing to Ronan that it had to Adam. 

His phone buzzed. It was Sarah.

**\- Hey, I need to talk to you about something. Dinner tonight?**

\- _Can't do tonight. Tomorrow?_

**\- Can't do tomorrow. Thursday?**

\- _I think I can make that work._

**\- Great. See you then.**

Was this how love was supposed to feel? Scheduled? Carefully laid out and planned? Part of it, maybe. But where was the heart-stopping, life-changing sort of madness he'd always heard about? Maybe that just didn't exist. Even if he had thought that perhaps Ronan could be the one to give it to him. Clearly he had been wrong.

The days passed and suddenly it was Thursday. He wondered what Sarah wanted to talk to him about. Maybe she wanted to become official. Did he want that too? He liked her, a lot. Even if she didn't necessarily make his heart want to beat out of his chest. Maybe her love was a quieter kind. And he liked quiet. He liked how he felt around her. At ease. Comfortable. He'd spent much of his life in the opposite state, so this was nice. He didn't need more, right?

"I'm glad you could make it," Sarah said amiably as she leaned in to kiss him hello.

Adam returned the kiss and smiled. This _was_ nice. There were far worse things than being with someone like Sarah. He knew that from experience.

"Me too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, everyone. The angst isn't over just yet.


	15. Chapter 15

"So how have you been? I know we haven't had a lot of time to catch up lately. What's new?" Sarah asked before taking a bite of her pasta.

Adam paused. He wasn't sure what to say. _Oh, not much. Remember the guy I told you about, when I asked if we were exclusive? Ethan? The one you were very understanding about? Well I stood him up, told him I had amnesia, finally went on that date with him, then while we were kissing I remembered this_ other _guy who definitely did not make my heart race, and said his name, instead of Ethan's. And now that other guy has disappeared from my life and I'm certainly not thinking of you as a second choice. You know, the usual. How about you?_

He must be taking longer than he'd thought to respond because Sarah set her fork down and reached for his hand.

"That bad, huh?"

"I... yeah," he admitted, running his other hand through his hair.

"I'm sorry. You don't have to tell me about it if you don't want to."

Why was she always so considerate? It comforted him and frustrated him at the same time. 

"Thanks. I don't know. Remember... remember the guy I told you about? Ethan?"

She nodded. "Things not going so well?"

He laughed, but there was no humor in it. "You could say that."

"I'm sorry—"

He cut her off. "Why are you being so understanding? I'm literally on a date with you, complaining about how a date with someone else went badly. _I_ should be the one saying I'm sorry."

Sarah shrugged. "I mean, I did ask you how you've been. You shouldn't have to lie about it. And it's not like I didn't know about him."

He nodded. He guessed she was right. Even if her polite interest irked him. "Okay. What about you? And uh, what was his name? I don't remember, sorry."

"Charlie?"

"Yeah."

"That's over."

"Oh, I'm—"

It was her turn to cut him off. "No, really, it's fine. We weren't meant to be."

 _Are_ we _meant to be?_

"Actually," Sarah continued, "That's a part of what I wanted to talk to you about."

Okay, here it was. She was either going to break up with him or ask if he wanted to be her boyfriend. He wasn't sure which one he was hoping for.

"I was just wondering... what are your plans for summer?"

The question threw him. What _was_ he planning on doing for the summer? He hadn't signed up for summer classes, which he probably should have. In the back of his mind, he'd somehow had the idea that he'd be going somewhere. Where?

"I, um. I don't really know yet."

"I was just thinking, if you didn't have any plans, you could come home with me."

Adam couldn't help it when his mouth fell open a tiny bit.

Sarah bit back a laugh. "You don't have to give me an answer right now. I know this is big."

He swallowed. "Um. Yeah, thanks. I'll have to think about it."

Sarah nodded. "Seriously, take your time. I know you need to think things through and I don't want this to be something you feel obligated to do. But I like you, Adam. And I'd like to move forward with you. So think about it, and let me know when you decide. I know it's a big step, but it'd be nice, right? I mean, we don't get a lot of time to see each other. We'd get a lot more if we spent the summer together."

He reached for her hand again. "I like you too, Sarah. A lot. I will definitely think this through."

She smiled. "That's all I ask."

*****

Ronan was on a mission. The nightwash had finally started to let up, and the minute he felt it was safe enough, he'd gotten into the BMW and taken off without a second thought. And now that he was in Cambridge, he realized how stupid he'd been. It was Thursday. He had no idea where Adam was. And he had no time. This trip was supposed to be in and out, no staying the night, no chance of the nightwash. What the fuck had he been thinking?

*****

Adam and Sarah parted at the restaurant, not before he could steal a kiss or two. Or three. He thought about his kiss with Ethan, how underwhelming it had been. Kissing Sarah was different. Better. Not quite heart-stopping, but good. And now he had to decide if he wanted to keep doing it. Doing more. _Being_ more. It certainly was a lot to think about.

He made his way back to campus. He should have brought his bicycle to Cambridge, with how much walking he'd been doing. He couldn't even remember what he'd done with it, now. He still had the shitbox, of course, but he rarely used it. He didn't think he'd been in it all semester. He should probably take a look at it, make sure everything was still in working order. He'd need it this summer, probably. Maybe.

Fuck, this really was a lot to think about. He was so torn. It really did sound like a nice idea, one that he'd enjoy. But how could he do it, knowing that one night with a stranger had made him feel more than he'd ever felt with anyone else? Could it have been a fluke? He wished that Ronan had used his damn phone and gotten a hold of him. Even if it had just been to tell him he wasn't interested. It was the not knowing that was really getting to him. If only he could see him one more time.

And suddenly, he did. There he was, standing on the other side of the street, waiting to cross. His arms were folded across his chest, accentuating his biceps. Adam felt his heart start to beat faster.

*****

Fucking fuck. The moment was here. Adam was here. _Fuck_. What was he going to say? Why hadn't he prepared himself for this? Oh right, because he was an idiot.

He watched as Adam approached from the other side of the street. His heart was pounding. _Calm down_ , he pointlessly told himself. _It's not now or never. He might not forget about you after tonight, but he might not remember either if you don't make an impression. It's not always going to be like last time. And that's okay. You can make another impression later. When you've actually taken the time to prepare yourself for—_

"You know, I really thought I'd never see you again," Adam said as he stepped closer to Ronan. 

"I—what?" _What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck._

"I mean, that's usually what it means when you give someone your number and they never call you," Adam said, a slight furrow to his brow. He stuck his hands into his pockets. Ronan wished he'd take them out again.

"I—"

"I just need to know," Adam said, cutting him off. "Did that night... did it mean anything to you?"

_Everything._

"Yes," Ronan said, throat dry.

"Then why haven't you called? Texted? Anything?" 

Adam was angry, as it appeared he rightfully should be. Ronan had anticipated many ways this could go, but not this. Adam was not supposed to remember that night. To think that he could have been talking to him to this whole time. _What the fuck._

"I really hate using my phone," Ronan answered honestly.

Adam eyebrows furrowed even more. 

"You used it that night. And that's a really shitty excuse, by the way."

Right. Shit.

"Yeah, well Declan was calling and I―"

"Wait. Your brother's name is Declan? Declan Lynch?" Adam's eyes narrowed.

"Yes."

"He went to Aglionby?"

"Yes. Can we stop talking about my brother?"

"Are you going to give me some other terrible excuse as to why you never called?"

Ronan closed his eyes. He couldn't believe he was standing here in Cambridge, fighting with Adam. He'd laugh if it wasn't so awful.

"I'm sorry," he began, "You're right. I was being shitty."

Adam softened, just a bit. Ronan knew that look. _Time to grovel._

"I've been going through... a lot. And that's not an excuse, I know. I'm really, truly sorry. Please let me make it up to you."

Ronan watched as Adam's anger melted from him. He even let a small smile slip onto his face. It was magnificent.

"Okay."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Not right now, though. I can't stay out tonight."

Ronan's shoulders released the tension they'd been holding. "No, that's fine. Neither can I," he said, giving Adam a small smile of his own.

"You still got my number?"

"Yes."

Adam's smile grew. "All right, then. You'd better use it."

*****

When he collapsed into bed, Adam's mind was still a whirl. So much had happened, he still hadn't had time to process it all. Even putting aside what had happened with Sarah, which was certainly something he still had to think about, he couldn't believe he'd run into Ronan. Ronan _Lynch_. 

Was it a coincidence? Could it be?

Declan Lynch had been the one to drive him to the hospital that night. Did he have something to do with his memory loss? Could he be trusted? Could _Ronan_ be trusted? He didn't know, and he hated that. He wanted to trust Ronan, he really, really did. But his survival instincts were kicking in and they were telling him to run far away. 

He knew that he couldn't always trust his instincts, not with the abuse he'd suffered. He was trying to grow past it, but that wouldn't happen overnight. How did he decide when his instincts were right, or when they were just pushing him away from people who might actually care about him?

 _This is dangerous_ , he thought. _Be careful. Don't get too invested_.

But when his phone buzzed, signalling that an unknown Virginia number was texting him, his heart sped up.

**\- hey this is ronan**

Adam didn't even get a chance to think about responding before another came in.

**\- i used your number**

Adam grinned despite himself.

_\- I see that._

**\- i really am sorry. i like you.**

_\- Guess you'll have to prove it, then._

**\- don't worry i will**

\- _We'll see. Goodnight, Ronan._

**\- sweet dreams, parrish**

Adam put his phone down. What was he doing? Was this really a good idea? His instincts said no. His head said he didn't have enough information yet. 

But his heart was screaming _yes_.


	16. Chapter 16

The next couple of weeks passed quickly. Ronan texted him every single day, called when Adam wasn't busy with school or work or studying. And each time Adam could feel the effect it was having on his circulatory system. _This_ was what he'd been missing, the way just thinking about the tattooed boy with beautiful eyelashes got his heart pumping. Christ, they hadn't even kissed yet and he was acting like a lovesick idiot.

He should probably tell Sarah. But despite the way he felt about Ronan, he still didn't know for sure if he could trust him. Even if he really wanted to. So he was keeping his cards close to his chest for now. If this thing with Ronan blew up in his face, he didn't want it to hit Sarah too. He really did care about her. And he _was_ still considering her offer.

He had a choice to make. Ronan or Sarah. Risk or security. Giving in to this undeniable feeling or retreating back to safety.

He couldn't deal with this right now. School was piling on the work, getting ready for finals. He should be focusing on that, not any potential romance. He pulled out his phone to check his calendar and saw a text from Ronan.

**\- i wanna see you again**

Adam couldn't help it. He smiled.

 _\- Me too. But my schedule is packed right now_.

- **no worries**

_\- I'm sorry._

**\- i get it. i'll wait. you're worth it.**

_You're worth it._ Funny how those three words made his chest swell with light.

*****

Saturday morning was busy at work. Adam was grateful for the distraction for a few hours. He had to study for the rest of the day, but he was thinking about calling Sarah just to catch up over the phone for a few minutes. She was being very patient, not pushing him for an answer, and it was nice to talk to her.

As he was getting ready to clock out for the day, he heard the door open. Ronan was standing there, holding a small bouquet of carnations of different colors.

"I know you don't have any time," Ronan began. "I'm not here to distract you from your responsibilities. But I had to see you again and I'll take whatever time you can give me. Even just for a minute."

Everyone was staring. Adam slowly finished clocking out and then walked over to Ronan and took the flowers from him. He didn't know if Ronan had chosen them for their symbolism, but he liked to think so. In Victorian times, each color represented something different. He looked at the bouquet. White carnations. They were meant for "the sweet and lovely." Pink, which meant _I'll never forget you_. And red, which meant—

"My heart aches for you," Adam said softly.

Ronan's eyes widened. Adam laughed.

"That's what these ones mean," he said, pointing to the red carnations.

"I know," Ronan said reverently. Adam's heart swelled.

They stood there in the entrance just looking at each other. It wasn't until someone at a nearby table cleared their throat that he realized they were still in the coffee shop.

"Want to get out of here?" Adam asked.

"Don't you have things to do?" Ronan replied. "I don't mind—"

"I can give you an hour."

Ronan smiled brighter than he'd ever seen. Adam thought he'd do anything to make him smile like _that_ again.

He reached for Ronan's hand as they walked out to the street. A motorcycle was parked there, and he startled when Ronan led them over to it.

"This is yours?"

"Something like that."

"When did you learn to ride?"

"Been teaching myself. Here," he said, handing Adam a helmet.

"I don't know," he said, teasing. "Is it safe for me to get on this thing with you driving?"

"Safe as life," Ronan said automatically.

Adam narrowed his eyes. "A friend of mine always says that."

"Oh, uh, yeah. Gansey?"

"You know him?"

"We've met. He's in Henrietta right now."

"Yeah I know, I just didn't realize..."

Blue. He was sure she had something to do with this.

"Is it a problem?" Ronan asked, worried.

"What? No. Not at all," he said, smiling. It was like Ronan had walked into his life and just _fit_. Wasn't that what he'd hoped for? Had thought was impossible? But it was Ronan, who seemed not to believe in the meaning of the word.

Ronan drove them to a nearby park, speeding faster than he needed to. Adam felt the rush of the wind around them, holding onto Ronan tighter than he needed to.

They wandered around the park for awhile, hand in hand, before Ronan led them to a copse of trees. He launched himself onto the ground in the shade and motioned for Adam to join him.

"This is nice," Adam said as he curled into Ronan's side. It was strange how comfortable he felt being so openly affectionate.

"I thought you'd like it," Ronan said, brushing his hair out of his face with his fingers.

"Mm," Adam sighed contendedly, closing his eyes.

They lay in companionable silence for a few minutes, Ronan lazily carding his hand through Adam's hair. He could get used to this.

When he shifted to get more comfortable, Ronan let out a small curse.

Adam opened his eyes. "What?"

"I almost forgot," Ronan said, pulling a small jar of something out of his pocket. "This is for you," he said, handing it over.

The jar was plain, except for a small handwritten label. _Manibus_.

 _For your hands_.

"You know Latin?" he asked, surprised.

"I know a lot of things."

"I'm sure you do."

"I noticed... your hands."

Adam looked at them. They weren't nearly as chapped as they'd once been, but the thought warmed him.

"You know, I used to lick them when I was a kid."

"That's gross, Parrish."

He laughed, "Shut up, asshole."

Ronan smirked. "Why don't you make me?"

Adam's heart sped up. He was sure it couldn't possibly beat any faster. This was the moment. He was finally going to kiss Ronan. He wasn't sure he'd survive.

He sat up, reaching for Ronan to join him. They took a moment, just looking at each other. Then Adam took a breath and leaned in towards Ronan and—

"Adam?"

He jumped, almost flinching. He turned to see Sarah walking towards them. _Shit_.

"Sarah. What are you doing here?" he asked as he stood.

"Needed to get some air. All that studying is going to kill me."

Adam laughed nervously. "Yeah, uh, me too."

"So..." Sarah began, "Things going better with Ethan, then?" she asked, gesturing to Ronan. He didn't miss the small flash of hurt in her eyes.

 _Shit_.

"What? No. No, um, this is Ronan. I... I haven't told you about him yet."

"You haven't told _me_ about _her_ yet, either," Ronan said, trying to hide his pain. Failing. "Or about whoever Ethan is."

"I'm Sarah," she said, reaching to shake Ronan's hand. He took it dazedly.

"Sorry to interrupt. I'll let you two get back to it." She turned to leave.

"Wait," Adam said.

"I've got to run, Adam. Clearly you've had a lot to think about with what I asked you. And I... I need to know your decision. I can't wait anymore. So don't call me until you have one," she said as she walked away.

He and Ronan stood in awkward silence. It had been so peaceful before, and now it felt like he'd ruined everything.

"I don't know what to say," Adam admitted.

"You don't... you don't have to say anything," Ronan exhaled.

"But I—"

"Look, you've got a whole life here. I didn't come into the picture until recently, and it's not like I'm your..." he trailed off.

_Boyfriend._

Adam stared at the ground. Ronan nudged him gently until he met his gaze.

"I've never felt this way about anyone but you," Ronan said. Adam could see the honesty in his eyes.

"I know this is a lot," Ronan continued, "But I need you to decide if you want to be with me. Just me. That's the only way I can do this. I don't... I don't do casual."

Adam only nodded. He wanted to reach for Ronan. He wanted to kiss the worry from his face. But he couldn't. Not until he made a decision, for sure. He had to be absolutely certain, even if his heart was telling him otherwise.

"Come on," Ronan said, leading him out of the park. He didn't take Adam's hand. "I'll take you back to campus."


	17. Chapter 17

Ronan was speeding down the highway back to Virginia when he felt the familiar trickle of nightwash starting to drip from his eyes. He pulled over, worried. He’d been in Cambridge for barely over an hour. How was he supposed to come back to see Adam again if he couldn’t even stay that long? If Adam chose him, that was.

Pulling off his helmet, he wiped at his face.

 _Oh_.

It wasn’t the nightwash. He’d been _crying_. Half relieved and half miserable, he took a few shaky breaths before pulling back onto the road. At least he hadn’t dumped the bike. Adam would be proud.

 _Would have been_ proud. This Adam didn’t remember the motorcycle actually belonged to him, didn’t remember surprising Ronan for his birthday with a precious gift of three hours together.

Ronan had known, this entire time, that pursuing this new Adam was dangerous. He knew that Adam did not know him like he once did. To him, Ronan was a recent development. It had taken the old Adam months and months to learn him, to love him. He couldn’t expect him to do it again in just a matter of weeks, living six-hundred miles apart. He knew this.

But that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. He’d let himself get used to being loved, so much so that when it was taken away from him, a part of him had still been in denial about the whole thing. Even if he’d told himself not to hope. And it wasn’t because he didn’t believe that Adam could fall in love with him again. He knew he could. But maybe he wouldn’t want to. Maybe he’d find someone who wouldn’t constantly find ways to put him in danger. Adam had a chance at a normal life. Shouldn't Ronan give him that, if he really loved him?

He would not make the choice for him, though. That was one thing Adam needed above all else, his autonomy. So whatever Adam chose now, Ronan would accept it.

*****

Adam couldn’t sleep. He’d never really had that problem before. Usually he was too exhausted by the time he fell into bed to last more than a couple minutes before he passed out. But now he was tossing and turning, frustrated with everything. How had he fucked up so badly? Just yesterday he’d been pursuing two different relationships and now he felt like he had neither.

Sarah was upset, even if she tried not to show it. _Finally_ , he thought. As much as he hated being the one to hurt her, he was so relieved that she was done being patient with him. She really didn’t need to be so considerate all of the time. She deserved to fight for herself and her feelings. But did he want her to fight for _him?_ Did it matter? Because the thought of losing her was nothing compared to the thought of losing Ronan. _Nothing_.

And just like that, he knew. Of course he would choose Ronan. Because the thought of losing Ronan threatened to kill him, to rip out his heart and lungs. He knew it was probably crazy. He just didn’t care anymore.

He unplugged his phone and texted Blue.

_\- You awake?_

Not a minute later she responded.

**\- Yes. Everything okay?**

_\- Yes. No. I don’t know. Can I call you?_

**\- Yes. Give me a minute. Gansey is sleeping for once and I don’t want to wake him.**

_\- Okay, same with Fletcher. I’m gonna go out in the hall. Text me when you’re ready._

A few minutes later Blue texted him back and he called her.

“Hey Blue,” he said into the phone, voice shaky.

“What’s wrong?”

He gave her a quick run-down of what had happened, filling in gaps from what he hadn’t told her yet.

“So basically, they both asked you to choose between them.”

“Yeah, which is fair. I mean, I knew I couldn’t keep dating multiple people forever. That wasn’t the point of it.”

“And you want my advice?” Blue asked, sounding unsure, “Because I really don’t think I should be the one to tell you who to choose.”

“No, I’ve already made my choice. It was easier than I thought it would be, when I got down to it.”

Blue was silent, like she dreaded what he may say next. Voice rough, she said, “And what did you decide?”

He ignored the question, answering with one of his own. “Do you think I could stay with you for a little while? I mean, if you’re going to be in Henrietta this summer.”

Blue was silent, taking in what he was saying. "You... you _want_ to come back to Henrietta?"

"Well, I _would_ like to be closer to my boyfriend for the summer but I don't think we're quite at the moving in together stage."

Blue let out a shriek that he was pretty sure would wake the dead. Despite her refusal to tell him who to choose, she was clearly on Team Ronan.

"I think you're happier about this than I am," he said jokingly.

"It's just... I didn't want to say anything because I knew you needed to form your own opinion of him, but you should see Ronan and Gansey together. It's like... they've been friends for years."

"Really?" Adam asked, somewhat surprised.

"Yeah. And I reluctantly admit that I don't hate him."

"Really, Blue, I already chose him, you can stop singing his praises," he said sarcastically.

"I'm just kidding. I do like him. He's my friend too. And I'm very happy for the two of you."

"Wait, Blue. I haven't told him yet. So you can't say anything."

"My lips are sealed. But seriously, how long are you gonna make me hold onto this? Because that might be hard. I need to know what I'm getting myself into."

"Think you can hold on for a couple of weeks?"

"A couple weeks?" Blue asked, incredulous.

"Reading week has started and after that it's finals. I literally have no time until then, and this is something I want to do face to face, not over the phone."

Blue sighed. "You owe me, Adam Parrish. Big time."

He smiled. "I'll keep that in mind."


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ATTENTION: ANGST AHEAD. IMPLIED CHARACTER DEATH. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

As it turned out, it wasn't quite two weeks that Blue had to keep her mouth shut for. But still. Ten days was close enough. And while she did enjoy helping Adam plan his big romantic gesture, she was itching for it to happen already. She really didn't know how much longer she could pretend like she had no idea what was going on.

Adam hadn't completely left Ronan in the dark, thankfully. He'd texted him his schedule, highlighting all of his exams and told him that as soon as school was over for the semester, he'd call him. What Ronan didn't know was that Adam had thrown in a fake exam at the end of it. His plan was to drive to Henrietta and call him from there. Blue's job was to get Ronan to Monmouth Manufacturing that afternoon so that when Adam called, Ronan would be inside, and Adam would be waiting for him in the parking lot with a red carnation. Apparently this was an important part of it, because Adam had asked that Blue go to Flowers by Andi and make sure that one would be available for him that day. He'd been very insistent.

So. It was all very romantic and heart-warming and it would be such a relief for everyone involved in Ronan's life to see him happy again. But Blue was getting impatient. Because Ronan was getting impatient. And when Ronan got impatient, he went looking for trouble.

*****

Ronan was not looking for trouble. He didn't want that. But he was bored. And Adam was busy, and still hadn't given him an answer. He only had a couple more days to wait now. He could do it, and then he would know one way or the other. It was fine, really.

Except it wasn't. And everyone knew it. They had gathered at Fox Way that evening. Ronan could feel the tension in the air, or maybe that was just him. Blue and Henry sat in a corner, playing some ridiculous game on Henry's phone. Gansey was rambling on about some ancient something or other, he wasn't entirely focusing so he couldn't say for sure. Ronan pretended to listen, bouncing his knee impatiently.

"And that's when I saw him, King Arthur in the flesh. I knelt before him as he placed a sword to my shoulder..." Gansey trailed off, sighing.

"Wait, what?" Ronan asked.

"Oh, look who's listening now," Gansey answered.

“Fuck off, Dick.”

Gansey merely rolled his eyes fondly. “You want to go for a drive?” he asked, knowing how it would help to calm Ronan’s nerves.

“Yeah, whatever, man.”

“We can take the Pig. You can drive.”

Ronan’s eyes widened. He must look even more pathetic than he felt.

So that was how he found himself sitting behind the wheel of the Camaro, speeding up and down the twisting mountain roads, Gansey at his side.

Neither of them saw the truck until it was too late.

*****

Adam was packing his things, cleaning up the dorm as best he could before he’d leave for Henrietta. He still had one more day, two exams to finish, but then he was free for the whole summer. He was looking forward to it, too. His mind had been firmly made, and he’d realized that it hadn’t really been a choice between Ronan and Sarah after all. In the end, it wouldn’t have worked out between him and Sarah anyway. They just weren’t on the same frequency. He was certain that even if Ronan had never come into the picture, they just weren’t a good match romantically.

He’d told her this, over coffee last week. He felt he owed it to her not to do it over the phone. She was clearly hurt, but she told him that she was glad this all came out before they’d taken the relationship further. He wanted her to understand, though.

_“Do I make your heart race?” he’d asked pointedly._

_“What do you mean?” Sarah had replied._

_“When you think about me, does your heart start to beat faster? Do you smile just thinking about my smile, or my eyes, or my laugh?”_

_“I… I suppose not,” she said, furrowing her brow._

_“You deserve to feel all of that, Sarah. Don’t settle for less.”_

_She nodded, eyes shiny with tears. “Good luck in the future, Adam. I hope you find happiness.”_

_“You too.”_

And now he was about to embark on a new chapter in his life. He couldn’t wait.

So when his stomach started twisting, for a second he thought he was just anxious to see Ronan again. Ronan… who was his boyfriend… had _been_ his boyfriend for well over a year now… because they’d met at Aglionby… after he’d become friends with Gansey… Ronan… who was his best friend… who dreamt beautiful things… cars and baby birds and baby brothers… who Adam loved… who Adam had tried to protect from the Moderators… _To save the Greywaren, the Magician sacrifices all memory of him, from this day until the Greywaren’s heart stops beating._

Adam didn’t make it to the bathroom before he threw up.


	19. Chapter 19

Fletcher found him, sitting on the floor in his own vomit. He barely registered as Fletcher helped him into the bathroom, helped clean him up, change into clean clothes.

“Adam? Adam, you’re scaring me. Do I need to call the proctor? What can I do? Adam?”

The words floated around his head, not attached to anything. Except one. Call.

“My phone,” Adam finally spoke, voice cracking.

“What?”

“Where’s my phone? I need to call…”

Suddenly the phone was in his hand. He knew the number wasn’t programmed into his phone anymore, but he’d had it memorized… before.

The phone rang once.

“Parrish?”

“Declan. Where. Is. Matthew?” he asked, struggling to get the words out.

“He’s out—oh _fuck_.”

Yes. Fuck. Adam thought it was an appropriate word.

“Parrish, I’ll call you back. As soon as I know anything.”

Adam nodded, forgetting that Declan couldn’t see him. Then he let the phone drop to the floor.

*****

Gansey stood in the road, stumbling. He wiped at something trickling from his head. Was that blood? Where was Ronan?

“Young man, are you hurt?” a voice said from somewhere.

“Gansey,” he said, turning.

“What was that?”

“My name. It’s Gansey.”

“Okay, Gansey, can you come with me? I need to check out that cut on your forehead.”

“Where is Ronan?”

“The driver in the car with you?”

“Yes. He’s my friend.”

“He’s over there, see? They’re loading him into the ambulance now.”

Gansey looked. He did see. He followed the voice to another ambulance.

*****

Adam’s phone started ringing, but it wasn’t Declan. It was Blue.

“Adam, Gansey and Ronan were in a car accident. I don’t know much yet. Gansey called me from the ambulance. He has a laceration on his forehead. He needs stitches. I’m not sure about Ronan yet. I will let you know as soon as—”

“I remember, Blue,” he said softly. It was as much as he could manage. “I remember everything.”

The silence on the other end of the line spoke louder than anything she could have said.

*****

When it rang again, this time it was Declan’s number. But it wasn’t Declan calling.

“Adam?”

He let out a choked sob. “Matthew? It’s really you?”

“Yeah, it’s me. And I’m still alive and kicking. Or awake. Or whatever. We’re getting ready to head to Henrietta. The doctors wanted to transport Ronan to D.C. but Declan convinced them to keep him there, you know, closer to the ley line and all that. Are you coming?”

“Can I talk to Declan?”

Adam waited as Matthew passed Declan the phone. And then he did something he never did. He asked for help.

“Parrish?”

“Declan. Can you get me a flight to D.C.?”

*****

By the time Adam arrived at Mountain View Medical Center, after a plane ride, and then what he was sure was a very expensive cab ride to Henrietta, Ronan was out of surgery. He’d broken his left femur, as well as fracturing a few ribs, among other bumps and bruises that dominated his left side. Apparently his heart had stopped in the ambulance, but the EMTs had quickly resuscitated him and it had been beating strongly ever since.

Adam walked in the doors, heading towards the desk.

“Excuse me?” he said, “I’m looking for Ronan Lynch.” He tried to keep the tremble out of his voice.

“Just one moment. What is your relation to the patient?”

“He’s my—“

A hand clapped his shoulder.

“He’s family,” Declan said to the receptionist. “Come on, I’ll take you to him,” he said to Adam.

*****

Ronan looked so _small_. He’d never understood that before, when someone said that. But it was true. Because here Ronan was, all bandaged and broken and _small_. Nothing like his usual larger than life self. Adam longed to hold him.

He settled for pulling up a rolling stool next to his bed, positioning himself on Ronan’s right side, his relatively uninjured side. He reached for Ronan's hand. It was cold. He didn’t like that, so he placed it between both of his to warm it up.

Declan gave him a rundown of updates. The surgery went well. He’d be recovering for a long time. He had not brought anything back from his dreams while drifting between consciousness yet. Declan was keeping an eye on that.

“I’ll give you a few moments alone with him, go let the others know you’re here. I think they went to the cafeteria. I’ll be back.”

And with that, Adam was alone with his boyfriend. His beautiful boyfriend, the love of his life. And he was _alive_. Adam was never so grateful for anything in his life.

After a couple minutes, Ronan’s eyelashes began to flutter, just a little. He cracked his eyes open a fraction.

“Adam?” he said, voice garbled.

"I'm here," Adam replied, squeezing his hand.

"Mm. You picked me?" he slurred through the myriad of drugs he was currently on.

Adam chuckled, reached up and kissed his forehead. "Yeah, Ronan. I picked you. I'll always pick you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, you can stop hating me now. :)


	20. Chapter 20

Declan came back a few minutes later. Ronan had slipped back into unconsciousness.

"I told everyone you're here. They're waiting for you in the cafeteria, if you want to go see them."

"No," Adam said simply. "I'll see them later."

"I can come get you when he wakes up."

"No," Adam said again, more firmly, "I'm not leaving him."

"All right," Declan said, "Let's get you more comfortable then."

He pulled a stiff looking recliner towards Ronan's bed, making him let go of Ronan's hand to place it where the stool had been. Adam sat in the chair and reached for Ronan again. Declan tossed a small blanket to him.

"Get some sleep, Parrish."

*****

A couple hours later, Blue, Gansey, and Henry were wandering down the hall. They'd considered going back to Monmouth or Fox Way to get some sleep, but no one was really in the mood. Gansey was fine, nothing more than a few stitches. He'd been in a daze before, but now everything seemed so clear. They'd almost lost Ronan, again. But now Adam remembered him. He wouldn't say it was worth it, necessarily, but he was grateful for this turn of events.

They made their way towards Ronan's room, pausing at the door. When they looked in, they saw Adam curled up in a chair next to Ronan's bed, holding his hand. Declan and Matthew were dozing in their own smaller chairs on the other side of the room. Adam looked up as if sensing their approach. Gently, he kissed Ronan's hand and set it back on the bed before coming to meet them in the hall.

As one, they moved together into an embrace. There was so much to say, but no words came. This wasn't the moment for them. They just held on to one another, thankful to be together. Thankful the consequences of Adam's sacrifice were over, and that everyone made it out alive.

"You okay, Gansey?" Adam asked quietly, as if he'd only just remembered that Gansey had been hurt too.

"I'm fine," Gansey replied reassuringly. There was no reason for Adam to feel ashamed for putting Ronan first. "It was just a scratch, really. I'm glad you're here."

"Me too," Blue and Adam said together.

"Jinx," Henry added.

They all laughed quietly. It was good to be together.

*****

By morning, everyone was exhausted. Blue had finally convinced Adam to take a shower at her house and get some coffee. He had been adamant about not leaving Ronan's side, but Blue had made a good point that on the off chance Ronan did wake up while he was gone, it wasn't like he was far away. He'd be able to be back with Ronan in a matter of minutes. So they'd taken turns, Henry and Gansey first, then Blue and Adam.

Adam was still in the shower when his phone rang. He nearly slipped, grabbing onto the shower curtain for support.

"He's awake," Gansey said into the phone, "He doesn't remember you were here before. He's been asking what day it is, if he'd missed your call."

"He doesn't know," Adam said.

"No, it appears he doesn't."

A small, bittersweet sort of grin appeared on his face. He wanted to be there when Ronan got the news of his memories returning. "Don't tell him. Don't let anyone tell him. I'll be there soon."

*****

Ronan felt like _shit_. That's what breaking your leg, your ribs, and nearly dying will do to you, he supposed. He couldn't believe he still had a day to wait for Adam's call. After all he'd gone through, why couldn't he have stayed unconscious another 24 hours? Was that really too much to ask for?

He'd vaguely noticed Gansey stepping out to call someone. Probably Blue, since he didn't see her anywhere. He sighed. Some doctors and nurses came in, ushering everyone out while they checked him over. He was doing well, they said, given the circumstances. He'd have a long ass recovery though. He wasn't happy about that. Maybe he could dream something up to help speed up the process.

The hospital staff left, but no one came back into his room. He heard low voices outside the door.

And then Adam was there and he couldn't bring himself to believe it. He stood in the doorway, just looking at him. And Ronan knew. He just _knew_. He reached out with his right hand and Adam came to him. He carefully sat on the bed and curled himself into Ronan's uninjured side. Ronan wrapped his arm around Adam's shoulder and kissed his forehead. He couldn't believe his luck.

"I thought you died, you know," Adam said softly.

"I'm still here," Ronan said, reassuring him. "You can't get rid of me that easily."

"Ronan, I'm so sorry. Everything has been—"

"Hey, none of that," Ronan cut him off, "You have nothing to apologize for." How could he even think Ronan would be upset with him?

"I know, I didn't mean—"

"It's over now. It doesn't matter." He meant it. He didn't care what had happened over the past few months. All that mattered was that Adam was here now.

"I love you, Ronan," Adam said, and Ronan’s heart nearly stopped again. How had he gone so long without this?

"I would do it again, if I had to," Adam added, catching his eye.

"Don't say that." He'd just gotten Adam back. He couldn't even think about losing him again.

"But it's true."

"No more sacrificing yourself, Parrish. I won't stand for it."

"Well, you can't stand at all right now so you don't make a convincing argument," Adam joked.

Ronan rolled his eyes. “What if it was the other way around?”

Adam caught his eye again and nodded slowly. “Okay,” he said, letting out a breath, “I get it.”

“Good. Now, if you don’t kiss me I think I’ll die for real.”

“Always so dramatic,” Adam replied fondly, shaking his head. And then he leaned in and pressed his warm lips to Ronan’s and it was _everything_. It was soft, and gentle, and full of so much love Ronan felt like it would burst out of him. His hand reached up to stroke Adam’s cheek.

“ _Tamquam_ ,” he said into Adam’s mouth.

Adam pulled back and looked into his eyes, a soft smile on his beautiful face. “ _Alter idem_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure how many more chapters there will be. I'm still sorting things out, trying to get everything I want to in before this fic is over. Thank you all so much for reading. I hope all the angst has been worth it for you! There won't be any more of it. :)


	21. Chapter 21

Ronan was acting… strange. At first Adam thought it was just a side effect of the accident and the pain meds he was on. But the more time he spent with his boyfriend, the more he noticed the changes in his behavior. He wasn’t being distant with Adam; in fact, it seemed like he couldn’t get enough of him, which made sense after everything they’d been through these past few months. Adam rarely left Ronan’s side for two whole days, and each time he did, to get coffee, or shower, or just stretch his legs for a few minutes, Ronan seemed antsy. Adam wanted to reassure him, but he wasn’t exactly sure what was going through Ronan’s mind. He didn’t usually have this problem, so it irked him. 

It wasn’t until he was making his way back to Ronan’s room from a trip to the cafeteria and he overheard a conversation between Ronan and Gansey that he finally understood what was going on. He paused outside, unseen. He knew he shouldn’t, but it was too tempting. He needed to know what was going through his boyfriend’s head. 

“Why don’t you just ask him?” Gansey said. 

“That’s not gonna happen,” Ronan replied. 

“I don’t understand, Ronan.” 

“Because I’m not going to put him on the spot like that. What if he wasn’t going to choose me? What if he was going to choose her and now he’s only here because he got his memories back? I mean, I’m not complaining. I know that he loves me. But before, I mean, shit, he only knew me for a few weeks. We had a couple good dates. But that doesn’t mean he was like, in love with me. What if he was in love with her?” 

“Do you really think he was?” 

“I don’t know, maybe.” 

“Ronan.” 

“I’m just saying, it’s possible. And I wouldn’t hold it against him. She seemed… nice. And clearly he chose me now, so it's fine.” 

“I can see just how fine with this you are, Ronan. Your icy glare says it all.” 

“Just because I’m not upset with _him_ doesn’t mean I have to like it. But it doesn't matter, it's in the past. I'll learn to deal with it. I'll get over it."

“I still say you should ask him.” 

“God, Gansey, _no_. He’s always made it very clear that he makes his own decisions. I’m not doubting that now. He’s here because he wants to be. It doesn’t matter what might have happened. It doesn’t matter if I can’t help but wonder. That’s on me. So just keep him out of this, okay? Don’t say anything to him about it. I don’t need him thinking I don’t trust him or some shit. Of course I trust him.” 

“I never doubted that, Ronan. What you and Adam have is… well, unlike anything I’ve ever seen.” 

“Right. So it doesn’t matter. Like I said, I’ll get over it.” 

Adam took a few moments to compose himself before entering the room. So this was why Ronan was acting weird. He smiled to himself. This was something he could fix. 

***** 

Ronan and Adam were wrapped up together on the hospital bed. Well, as much as they could be. Adam was being very careful with Ronan, which he did appreciate, but he wished it wasn’t necessary. He really couldn’t wait until his recovery was over. 

He’d be out of the hospital soon, but he wasn’t going back to the Barns yet. He needed physical therapy, and Declan had hired someone to come to him for it so he didn’t have to stay in a rehab facility. So Monmouth it was. They didn’t need anyone coming to the Barns on a regular basis, and Ronan especially didn’t want to deal with removing the dreamt security system. He’d put it in place for a reason. 

Adam was leaving again, just for a few days. He had exams to make up. Thankfully Declan had also taken care of that, making sure that Adam was not penalized for missing them, explaining that there had been a family emergency. Ronan would be surprised if he was still banned from the campus after how smoothly Declan had taken care of everything. Sometimes having him as a brother did come in handy. Not that he’d tell him that. 

So for right now they were taking advantage of the time they had left here, before they had to part once more. Adam’s fingers were lazily tracing a light trail over Ronan’s arm, up and down. Ronan grabbed at his hand and laced their fingers together before bringing Adam’s hand to his mouth to kiss his knuckles. 

“You gonna be okay while I’m gone?” Adam said quietly. 

“Believe it or not, Parrish, I do know how to function without you constantly at my side.” 

Adam rolled his eyes. “Fine, then. Maybe I’ll just leave now. Get some more studying in,” he said unconvincingly. 

Ronan glared at him. 

“That’s what I thought,” Adam said smugly. 

“Oh, shut up. You may have been blissfully unaware these past few months, but I wasn’t. So sue me for being clingy.” 

Adam kissed his cheek. “I may have been unaware, but I assure you it was far from blissful.” 

“Yeah?” 

Ronan had been avoiding the subject of Adam’s side of things during their… separation. He _was_ curious, but he was also afraid of what he’d hear. What if it had made Adam see him differently? Or what if it made him reconsider his priorities in life? Adam deserved to live whatever life he wanted to. Ronan knew he wouldn’t stand in the way of that if all of this had made him see he wanted different things. If he wanted more than what Ronan could give him. But Ronan also trusted Adam, more than anyone. If he was choosing to be here now, that's what mattered. He just had to keep reminding himself of that. 

“Ronan, do you really think you’ve had so little impact on my life?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“You changed my whole life, Ronan. I wouldn’t be the same person I am today without you. I wasn’t the same person when I didn’t remember you.” 

“I dunno, I thought you were doing pretty well,” Ronan admitted. 

“I was okay. I had school, and work, and my friends, and…” he trailed off. 

“Your girlfriend,” Ronan finished for him, trying not to show any emotion. 

“She was never my girlfriend, actually. We never…” he trailed off again, a complicated expression on his face. 

Did Adam sound… wistful? Did he regret this turn of events, if it meant not knowing how it would have turned out with her? Ronan almost asked him, then. He almost did it, but then the nurse came in and Adam vacated the bed and the moment was over.

Adam leaned over and kissed Ronan quickly, telling him he’d be back in a few minutes. Ronan watched him leave and wondered if he’d ever know. Maybe he didn’t want to. 

***** 

“Blue, I need your help,” Adam said into the phone. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Ronan is… well, Ronan. And I may have overheard him telling Gansey that he’s afraid that I wasn’t going to choose him, you know, before.” 

“Oh, Jesus. You know, for someone in such a committed relationship, your boyfriend can be a little insecure.” 

“Don’t you think he’s a little justified this time?” he said defensively. 

Blue sighed. “All right, all right, no need to defend your boyfriend’s honor to me. What’s the plan? How can I help?”

Adam smiled. "I thought you'd never ask." 


	22. Chapter 22

Adam's plan wasn't complicated, but Ronan's injuries changed a few things. Blue wasn't complaining, though, even if she did give Adam a hard time about it. That was all in good fun, really. She wanted Ronan to be happy, especially after how heartbroken he'd been. She still couldn't get the image of him staring blankly at the wall day after day out of her head. He deserved some reassurance.

All she had to do was make sure that Ronan was in his wheelchair and that he didn't go anywhere. ("Where is he going to go, Adam? You do know his leg is broken, right?" "And you know this is _Ronan_ we're talking about, don't you?" "Fair point.") Really, the hardest thing about this was not telling Gansey, who she didn't trust not to give it away.

Ronan had officially moved back into Monmouth now and he was as relaxed and patient as anyone expected him to be, which was to say not at all. Currently he was rolling back and forth in a restless pattern that was sure to wear a hole in the floor. He was waiting for Adam to call him. He'd told Ronan the same thing as before, that he'd call him as soon as his last exam was over. And once more he had lied about how many exams he had so he could show up unannounced. He was trying to recreate his original plan, to show Ronan what would have happened if he'd never gotten his memories back. They'd had to make some adjustments, seeing as how Ronan couldn't walk right now, but it was essentially the same and just as romantic as before, if not more so.

She was nearly as anxious for Adam's call as Ronan was.

*****

Ronan's phone began to ring. _Finally_. It felt like he'd been waiting to hear his boyfriend's voice for years now. It had been two days. He was probably going crazy.

"Adam?"

"Ronan."

"You all done acing those tests now?"

Adam laughed. "I'm not sure about that, but I am finished with them."

"I'll be sure for you, then."

"All right, you do that," Adam said, still chuckling.

Ronan glanced around the room, gauging if either Blue or Gansey were likely to listen in on his conversation. They weren't. Gansey was immersed in a book and Blue's head was in his lap. She was scrolling through something on her phone. Still, he took the opportunity to roll as far away from them as he could without actually leaving the room.

"I miss you," he said in a quiet voice that was only meant for Adam.

"I miss you too," Adam answered, "But you'll see me soon." He paused. "Hey, could you do me a favor?"

"Yeah, okay. What is it?"

"I ordered something a few days ago and it should be delivered today. Will you see if it's outside?"

"Parrish, you do realize I have a broken leg."

"Yes, believe me, I am aware of that fact. I also know you're probably sitting in your wheelchair and are fully capable of wheeling yourself over to the window."

"You don't know, I could be in my bed."

"Are you?"

"No."

"I rest my case."

"Fine, Jesus. What am I looking for?"

"You'll know it when you see it."

Ronan sighed. As if he'd ever refuse Adam anything. And Adam knew it. As he made his way over to the window, he noticed Blue had put her phone down and was watching him intently from the couch. He shot her a death glare. She flipped him off. He grinned.

He looked outside, searching the area for a package, but his eyes found the tri-colored Hondayota with Adam leaning against it, looking devilishly handsome in dark jeans and a button up shirt rolled up to the elbows. He was holding a red flower in one hand and his phone was pressed to his ear with the other.

"What the fuck?"

"You know, I had this whole thing planned out the last time I was supposed to take my exams and it really felt like a shame that I didn't get to follow through with it."

"What the fuck?" Ronan repeated.

"I know we've only known each other a few weeks," Adam continued, smiling, "But you told me you'd never felt this way about anyone but me, and I'm here to tell you I've never felt this way about anyone but you, either. And I never want to stop feeling it. I want to be with you, just you. For as long as you'll have me."

Ronan just stared at Adam. He searched for something to say, but then Blue appeared next to him at the window. She waved at Adam. He waved back.

"Come on, Gansey," she said, turning, "Help me get Ronan down the stairs and outside to see his new boyfriend."

"What?" Gansey said, looking up from his book.

Ronan could hear Adam laughing to himself through the phone. He still couldn't think of a thing to say.

Blue snickered. "I mean, Adam drove all this way, the least we can do is help him out by bringing Ronan out to see him."

"Adam's here? And did I hear you say he's Ronan's _new_ boyfriend? I feel like I'm missing a vital piece of information, Jane."

Blue just rolled her eyes. "I'll explain the obvious after you help me out here."

And then he was being carefully rolled backwards down the stairs, and he was outside, and Adam was there, hanging up his phone and handing him the flower. It was a red carnation.

"My heart aches for you," Adam said softly.

*****

Adam pushed Ronan's wheelchair down the sidewalk.

"You gonna tell me where you're taking me?"

"You'll see," he answered, dropping a kiss to the top of Ronan's head.

Soon the sidewalk ended and Adam had to navigate pushing the wheelchair through the dirt. Thankfully it hadn't rained lately. They found themselves in a small wooded area. It wasn't far from the main road, but no one was around. And the trees provided a bit of privacy.

And then they were there. A basket was perched on top of an old rusted picnic table. Adam wheeled Ronan up to the end of it, turned sideways to accomodate his leg. He locked the wheels to keep him from rolling away before sitting down next to him.

"Taking me on a picnic, Parrish?"

"Yeah. You got a problem with that, Lynch?"

Ronan just shook his head, a grin appearing on his gorgeous face. He twirled the carnation in his hands.

"I didn't even know this was here," Ronan said, looking around at the other rusted tables nestled between the trees.

"I used to come here as a kid sometimes. No one was ever here. It kind of felt like my own private world." He turned and leaned back, looking up at the cloudless sky.

"Thanks for sharing it with me, then."

Adam dropped his eyes back down to Ronan's face. "I want to share everything with you."

Ronan reached for his hand. Adam twined their fingers together.

"You thirsty?" he asked, opening the basket with his free hand, pulling out a couple bottles of water.

Ronan was silent.

"What?"

"I just... You really planned all this? Before, I mean?"

"Yeah," Adam said, smiling, "I mean, I did have to change a few details due to recent circumstances, but you get the gist of it."

"You were gonna come back to Henrietta? Before you remembered everything?"

"Yes, Ronan. Ask Blue. I asked if I could stay with her for the summer."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why? It made sense. You had been coming to me all that time. The least I could do was return the favor."

"You didn't know I was only coming to Cambridge for you."

"I didn't care, Ronan. I wasn't lying when I said that I've never felt like this about anyone but you. Even when I didn't remember our past, I wanted a future with you. Because being with you made me... happy. Happier than I'd ever been. And I wanted to show you that, show you that I was serious. That I chose you."

Ronan squeezed his hand. "Will you tell me about it?"

"What?"

"What it was like, all these months. I mean, at first I wasn't sure that I wanted to know. But... I do, now. I want to know, even the bad parts. Or the parts I might not like. Because I want to know everything about you, like I used to. I need to catch up."

Adam leaned over and kissed Ronan then, slow and lingering. "I'll tell you whatever you want to know. Will you tell me about your side, too?"

Ronan nodded. "Yeah. It won't be... easy. But I will. Whatever you want to know," he said, echoing Adam's words. He traced his thumb over Adam's cheekbone.

So they ate. And they talked. And slowly they gained even better understanding of one another.

Ronan told Adam about his plan to build a new relationship with him before he realized that Adam couldn't form new memories of him. Then about how hard it was to accept that that meant Adam would never be in his life anymore, how numb he'd been. Adam listened quietly, wiped away the tears that formed in both their eyes. He kissed Ronan deeply, pouring out all the love he felt for him, all the understanding, holding him close. They stayed like that for awhile.

Adam told Ronan about how it felt like he'd been missing something, that he'd been more invested in actively dating than he'd ever been before, and how he thought that was because his subconscious was missing what he'd had with Ronan, so he was looking for it in other people. He tried not to go into too much detail, to spare Ronan's feelings as much as he could, but he did tell him about the kissing incident with Ethan.

"You did _not_ ," Ronan said, his grin wolf-like.

Adam laughed. "I swear, I did. I don't know if it was on purpose, but Lindenmere chose that exact moment to remind me of you."

"Oh my God. You know, you really threw me for a loop that night, on the street. I had absolutely no idea that you remembered the night at the coffee shop, and then there you were, accusing me of ghosting you."

Adam was still laughing. "That's why your excuse was how much you hate using your phone."

"I really couldn't think of anything else to say. I was trying so hard to think of a way to impress you, and then there you were already pissed off at me."

"You did impress me, you know. Really. That night at the coffee shop, well, it was like... _'See, this is what you've been looking for in other people. You found it, you can stop looking now.'_ But then I didn't hear from you, so I thought maybe I'd been wrong."

"That fucking forest. It could have given me a heads up."

"Yeah," Adam agreed. "But it all worked out okay, right?"

Ronan squeezed his hand again, a soft smile on his face. "More than okay."

"Yeah," Adam said again, returning the smile, "Definitely more than okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up, there will probably only be one more chapter after this. Thank you all so much for reading!


	23. Chapter 23

Lindenmere was quiet today. It was quiet most days. It preferred it that way. It was not devoid of sound, though. It could hear the babble of a stream, a hooved girl splashing playfully. Birds called from the air, soaring and then dipping down into its treetops. The wind rustled its leaves.

A new sound entered the forest. Footsteps.

_Magician, we welcome you. We are happy to see you._

"Lindenmere," the Magician said softly, "Thank you. For protecting him. For keeping him safe."

_It was our pleasure, Magician. We love the Greywaren, as you do. As we also love you._

"I know," he said, smiling. It loved when the Magician smiled. It sent a soft breeze to caress his face.

"Adam!" The hooved girl had appeared, running towards the Magician.

Lindenmere watched as the Magician bent down to pick her up, swinging her in his arms. Both their hearts were singing with love.

“Where is Kerah?” the girl asked, turning her head to look for the Greywaren.

“He’s not here. He isn’t feeling very well so he’s resting. But he’ll come see you soon.”

The girl nodded, then slipped from the Magician’s arms, running off as quickly as she had appeared.

The Magician looked around the forest, hesitating.

“I’d like to stay longer, but I need to get home.”

_We understand, Magician. Go home to your Greywaren, he is restless for you to return. We will not keep you._

The Magician laughed. It was a wondrous sound.

*****

"All right, I think that's everything," Gansey said, closing the trunk of Blue's Camaro. He looked at his group of friends huddled together, saying their goodbyes for the millionth time that day. With everything settling down, he, Blue, and Henry had decided to resume their road trip for a couple of months before school started in the fall.

He'd often experienced a feeling that the moment he was living had happened before, or would happen, or was happening to someone else at the same time. This time, though, it was a direct reflection of what had been happening around this time last year. The three of them off to explore, Adam and Ronan content to stay behind at the Barns, closer than ever. He was supremely grateful for it.

"Have fun," Adam said, wrapping his arm around Ronan's waist.

Ronan leaned into him for support. He'd been upgraded to crutches now, and had been able to continue the physical therapy on his own. Well, not on his own. Adam was more than willing to assist him. Ever the scientist, he had studied everything he needed to know to help Ronan in his recovery. Probably more than he'd needed to, actually.

"We will," Blue said, "Don't forget to call us."

Ronan grunted noncommittally. Adam nudged him, reprimanding.

"We'll call you," he said, "And we'll answer when you call us."

"Unless we're busy," Ronan added. Adam poked him in the side.

As Henry and Blue waved, getting into the Camaro, Gansey stepped over to his two friends and wrapped them both into a tight hug.

"It has been one of my greatest pleasures to call you my friends."

"Jesus, Gansey, no one is dying," Ronan muttered, a little breathless from Gansey's grip.

"Yes, yes, I know. But it seemed appropriate to say nonetheless," he said, unbothered.

"Thanks, Gansey," Adam said, fondly exasperated, "We love you too."

He pulled back from them, looking between them, and nodded. As he turned to get into the car, he looked back one more time and gave a short wave. Blue started the engine.

"Excelsior," he said.

*****

Adam followed Ronan into the sitting room. They'd converted it into their temporary bedroom so Ronan didn't have to deal with the stairs. He'd told Adam he'd been tempted to dream a solution for that, but Adam didn't need Ronan falling and breaking his other leg. So he'd dreamed a new bed instead. It was adjustable, like a hospital bed, but bigger and more comfortable. Adam could tell Ronan was eager to test it out, in more ways than one. Not that he was complaining. He was eager, too.

Ronan settled onto his side of the bed, adjusting the pillow behind his back. "What time is it? You getting hungry?"

"I could eat," Adam answered, looking at his phone. "Hey, I just realized. Do you have my watch?"

"Oh, yeah. Declan took it when you were passed out in the car that night."

"Where is it? I want it back."

"It's upstairs. It's—you'll see it."

Curiosity piqued, Adam made his way towards the stairs. "You want me to bring you anything from up there, since I'm going?"

"Yeah, grab the pillows. These ones suck."

"All right."

When he entered Ronan's bedroom, he cast his eyes around in search of the watch. He didn't see it. Grumbling that he'd have to go down and ask Ronan again, he stepped over to grab the pillows off the bed and stopped in his tracks. There was a small shelf on the wall above the bed that hadn't been there before. His watch was displayed on it, along with a toy car, a mixtape, a jar of lotion, and a coffee cup with his number scrawled on it. He felt a lump form in his throat.

Downstairs, he threw the pillows, and then himself, onto the bed next to Ronan. He wrapped his arms around Ronan's shoulders and pressed his face into his neck. Ronan's arms automatically enveloped him, and he felt a kiss pressed to the top of his head. It was good to be home.

*****

Later that night, Ronan lay awake while Adam slept curled on his chest. He ran his hands soothingly over Adam’s back and pressed a kiss to his forehead, gentle enough not to wake him.

Memories of Adam filled his mind. The first time he thought Adam might be looking back at him, too, the time he’d helped Adam move into St. Agnes, then the time he’d helped him move out and into the Barns, the first time he kissed Adam, the time Adam kissed him on the porch, the time Adam saved him from the acid pool, the time he’d saved him from the Moderators.

All these memories swirled around inside him, but he focused on another. The first time he’d ever seen Adam, pushing his bike towards Aglionby. He hadn’t known, then, how much he would come to love the boy in the second-hand sweater. But he’d known there was _something_ about him, and he’d sent up a prayer.

_Please._

Now, with his arms full of Adam and his heart full of love, he sent another prayer.

_Thank you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has followed this story. You mean a lot to me. ❤️


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